I have missed this. I have missed being able to sit down and write all the things that I need to say. Screen time is still something that I can only just tolerate. I had not known how much of my life is dependent on being able to use them. It has made me feel a little isolated, especially here when my contact with the outside world remains limited throughout the week and on weekends when I don’t get leave. That is the case this weekend. I failed to meet the ward target weight gain for the week and have found myself being stuck on the ward with barely anyone else here. I feel more trapped in my own head and time seems to stretch on forever. I know that it won’t be for much longer. Four months have passed since my admission and my expectation that I would be out in early December was clearly off the mark. The plan is that I should reach my target weight range this coming week and then once I do, I have two weeks left on the unit before being discharged back into the community. I haven’t really given much thought to what happens after. Of course there is a plan…I have a good team waiting to take over but the question of whether I can sustain this recovery, this weight is still something that I cannot begin to comprehend. I know that I don’t want to come back here. I don’t want to have to do this process over again. I’m not sure that I could if I’m honest. Each time it has driven me closer to complete collapse and even if my mind could survive another relapse, it’s unclear if my body could. I think what worries me the most is that I didn’t fully comprehend how entrenched the Anorexia had once again become. An admission that was supposed to just be fleeting has turned into something else. I don’t like how even now, each meal remains a battle, an argument in my head that weighs up the pros and cons between eating and not eating. I don’t expect to achieve anything by not eating. I know that it will not be the saving grace that I once thought it was so it confuses me as to why I cannot just let it go.
I guess the last week though has seen something of a breakthrough for me. I finally told my therapist some things that I have never told anyone before. I wrote words that I had locked so deep inside of me that just the thought of them made my blood run cold. I expected her to hate me because of them. I expected her to turn away from me in disgust. The shame I felt was something I had never felt to that extent before. She didn’t though but I did not look at her face for the rest of the session just in case. In 3 weeks she’s leaving and she told me that she didn’t know who I really was. She had ideas and theories to what I was hiding, to what I refused to say but every time we got close to something too uncomfortable for me, I ran away. These last sessions are going to be about clearing up that picture of me for her. It frustrates me that it took her leaving for me to realise that I do trust her and that I can talk to her about things that I probably should have talked about a long time ago…but it is what it is I guess. She has been my therapist for 2 and half years and I think I am going to miss her, even if that is really hard for me to admit. I don’t get attached to people. I don’t let myself be that open. I’m used to people leaving, but sometimes when it’s the good ones, well, it’s hard.
Our last session will probably fall on the day that I get discharged, which time wise works out pretty well. Already my discharge CPA part 2 has been booked. The first one was before Christmas when everyone thought I would have reached target by then. This will be the last one. I had a review on Thursday which went well mostly, although it was kind of short as I had an appointment to finally get my CT scan done (came back fine mostly). The team gave some positive feedback, the only downside was my weight. It felt like I was letting my Doctor down. I wonder sometimes if they regret accepting me on to the programme. I was supposed to be an easy fix this time. I said all the right things but as usual when it came down to action, repeatedly I screwed myself over.
I don’t want to leave here with regrets. The amount of work I am doing is picking up. I am generally talking more, being honest, being open and sometimes it feels like I’m leaving myself too vulnerable but maybe that’s what it’s going to take. So far I’ve got relapse prevention, practical body image, one to ones with the dieticians to challenge particular foods. I am talking about how I feel, I am learning to deal with the possibility that I can’t do everything all the time. All this work though is going to take a long time to complete and it won’t all be done here.
Despite everything, things are ok. My mood is still pretty much holding. I’m still laughing every now and again. I think I’m changing and I hope I can make it last. I hope this lasts even though I know how precious and unstable it is.
I guess I am going back to my roots at the moment and still trying to take this day by day.
I hope your day has been kind to you.