It feels like a lot has happened since I last wrote on here and so attempting to unpick it is going to be a bit of a struggle…but I will try.
The first thing to have had such an impact these last couple of weeks is the aftermath of the car accident. Although at the time it seemed to be nothing severe I have struggled with the head injury that I got from it. I’ve now had 3 trips to the emergency room and seen by pretty much every duty doc on the ward who are all saying the same thing which is that I have post concussion syndrome. I didn’t even know that was a thing and if I’m honest it has felt so much worse than the concussion. Mostly it has meant that I have been laid in the dark, unable to tolerate the light for any length of time, not been able to use anything with a screen or listen to any loud noises. At times the pain has felt unbearable and as though my brain was being crushed to pieces. One of the hardest things to deal with has been how much it has influenced my state of mind and ability to regulate emotions. For four days solid all I did was cry and scream and have one meltdown after the other. There were times where I crossed over the border and reached complete hysteria. It was not cool at all. The staff here are trying to be patient with me and offer the support but I fear that this may have been a breaking point for me. It has exhausted me and because I was already struggling anyway it was kind of the last thing that I needed.
Still, even though this was going on I managed to get some leave at Christmas which was quite a good chunk of time (Wednesday till Saturday). For most of it, it was a nice Christmas. My family attempted to play nicely with each, My Mother backed off and even though I spent most of it lying down or crocheting, it was still ok. However I did let he Eating Disorder back in. I restricted to an extent, panic making it difficult to eat, the desire to not make anything worse was all I could focus on. I didn’t care about what it might do to my weight when I got back on to the ward and how it would affect my treatment plan. I just wanted to get through those days without any further meltdowns which I managed to do.
When I got back though, I sat down and had a quick chat with one of my nurses about how it went and I told her how much of a challenge it was. To eat, to keep myself safe, to not be the problem and how hard it was to tolerate the headaches. I told her if I knew what was at least causing them then maybe it would make me feel better, maybe I could fix them, her response that I knew I had an Eating Disorder and I wasn’t fixing that. It was so blunt and direct but it was completely honest. There wasn’t much I could say in response. I told her how scared I was about getting back to eating my meal plan here and the weight gain from Christmas, which her response was that I had actually probably lost and that I was going to have to make up for that. This time she was wrong. I got weighed this morning and the number has gone up a tiny amount but it has still gone up and now I am panicking because clearly I don’t need all the things that are in my meal plan in order to gain weight. I can live on a lot less and still be ok. I’m not sure how I’m going to justify eating anything now.
I am struggling in my treatment. I am struggling with my mood. I am struggling with my thoughts.
I am also really tired of all that struggling and fighting.
I hope your day is good to you.