It’s hard for me to write today. It’s a struggle to find the right words to share with you what is happening in my world at the moment. The pain is so overwhelming that I’m not sure I feel very much of anything anymore. I am stuck in this place between wanting to get better and believing that for me that isn’t something I’m capable of. I am losing hope or I have lost hope…again I am not sure. Each week I get closer to my target weight but every slight increase makes me feel like I’m falling to my knees but my need to be this person who is coping stops me from actually doing so. I spend so much time trying to control my emotions, to not break, to not lose my temper, to not find a corner somewhere that I can curl up in and scream that even if I wanted to now, I wouldn’t be able to do so. The toll that that has on me is starting to show. It’s like I am losing myself to the Anorexia and even here on the unit I am paralysed into letting it hammer me. The voice tracks my every waking thought and what makes it worse is that I cannot engage in the behaviours that it needs me to do so. Some days I wish that I’d been able to just disappear quietly, when I didn’t care, when it didn’t matter if I lived or died or got better or not. It would have been easier if I had never known the concept of recovery. Other days I want to undo the last 20 years of my life and take a hold of that kid who thought starving themselves was a good idea and tell her not to be so damn ridiculous. However neither of those things are what happened. What I am left with is this reality…this place that I have now which feels both like being trapped and unanchored. How do I move forward from this?
The answer is that nobody really knows.
This morning I had my discharge CPA. I don’t have a discharge date yet and I haven’t met target but this was booked weeks ago because it was assumed that I would be there by now…and with Christmas coming up, moving it didn’t seem like a great idea. It’s fine that it was early because the actual discharge plans are ones that I have been aware of since coming in and they haven’t changed. The rest of it though was hard to sit through. There is a general agreement amongst my care team that things have been generally quite shit for me lately. I guess that’s kind of true…Things have been shit. We all got told some pretty horrible news yesterday and I haven’t taken it so well. So with that and everything else that is currently going on in my head my team no longer know what to do. Dr J is so lovely and I can see how much he wants to help me and it scares me how much I want him to help me. He sat there today and just said how much pain he can see that I’m in…I hate that I’m not hiding it better. It is true that I am stuck right now and I can’t figure out what is holding me back from just going to those places that I need to go to in order to reach my targets and let this Eating Disorder go when he asked me what would it take? Everything is going to be hitting me hard lately. I have a lot of work to do and I can’t run away from it anymore. I have to talk about my body image, I have to stop hating myself for the trauma crap, I have to figure out how the hell I can begin to respect myself even just a little bit. For now though because of everything that’s happened, I’m not allowed leave this weekend. My Christmas leave will be renegotiated to something less. In the end the meeting was…it wasn’t bad, it wasn’t good. I suppose it was sad. Really really sad and I am tired.
Afterwards I had a meeting with my Primary Nurse and then after that my therapist. Mostly with my nurse we looked at some body image but mainly how I am terrified of feeling anything uncensored or uncontrollable. This admission for me was a decision that I didn’t want to have to make…it wasn’t something that I wanted to do and I think we both realise that I won’t come back and do this again. She may think I am strong but I am not strong enough to do that. The truth is though that this might not work…I might not be able to sustain this when I leave here and I’m not sure what I do with that. It makes it feel very hopeless at the moment.
As you can probably tell with my whole writing style tonight things are kind of up in the air and it’s not easy to articulate my thoughts. I really don’t know what I do now other than showing up.
I hope your day has been kind to you.