In the early hours of yesterday morning, my kid sister gave birth to her baby. Zachary took his own sweet time coming into the world, putting my sister through 4 days of labour but she did it and he is stunning. It is already hard to imagine a world with him not in it and he is less than 48 hours old. I was allowed to go on leave for the day to see him and meet him and hold him. It was really nice to be able to do that. It is moments like those that remind me how much life there is that I could miss out on or what I was prepared to walk away from. All of the times that I stopped fighting for me, I didn’t see that I had also stopped fighting for so many other possibilities. One of those things was the idea of being a Mother.
I never thought I wanted kids until last summer and so when my periods stopped it didn’t bother me that much. Fertility was never a strong enough factor to make me pause and think about what I was doing. I guess I just never pictured myself as someone who would have children. Only I do want kids and although I don’t think I have done any lasting damage to myself since my periods are kind of back to how they were, it is still a concern. I repeatedly wonder if my body will ever be strong enough to carry a child in it or if my Mental Health issues will stop me being the Mother that I would want to be. I know what it feels like to grow up with a parent who is volatile, who makes their child scared about what they will come home to when school is finished for the day. I have no desire to repeat that pattern. Of course I still have time to decide, to see if I can be well, to decide if I am enough of a grown up to handle the responsibility of another’s life but I won’t always have that. The years seem to be speeding past me without me noticing very much and I worry that in ten years time I am still going to be having this same conversation in my head.
Yet I know that right now, I am not ready to have a child.
My Eating Disorder owns far too much of my brain and heart, my moods dictate too much of a daily life and for the most part I struggle to have the energy to take care of myself the way I should do for an extended period of time. The numbers still matter too much to me, which was evident after this mornings weigh in and weight gain. All I wanted or want to do is disappear for a week and not eat and make those numbers go back down, even though on an intellectual level I know that that type of action is not going to make me feel any better. It won’t make my world safe again like I want it to be. The good thing though is that because I met the ward targets then I get to have my weekend leave back. I also know that I am not ready because I can’t feel the way I should do about anything right now. I am so happy that Zachary is here, but that deep level of joy is not something that I am capable of feeling anymore. I haven’t been able to for a while. It’s like there is a disconnect button that leaves me disjointed from the rest of the world. I am trying to figure out a way to break down those barriers but equally I’m not sure I want to. I am not sure what is waiting on the other side. It scares me.
I know that the world that I am trying to step into is a better one than what I am used to but it is also unfamiliar. I don’t know how to be in this body. I don’t know how to live with the noise in my head that continues to get louder and more spiteful each day. I don’t know how to articulate what I’m going through to anyone on my team because I feel like I have to be this person who appears to be doing alright. It’s frustrating because I have these thoughts and feelings go on inside of me but I am completely unable to verbalise any of them right now. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be anymore…
I hope your day is good to you.