There are some days when I wonder what recovery is going to look like for me. Will there be a day when it suddenly hits me that I no longer have an Eating Disorder? Or a day that I can say I am not recovering anymore because I am recovered. Will I even know it’s happening when and if it does? In my head I see it as this place that you arrive at and suddenly the pressure is gone. I’ll be able to breathe again. I can take my time without feeling like I’m rushing through life just trying to survive. I imagine how light it might feel to be heavier. How I will learn to love that I have breasts and hips and a stomach that is capable of housing a child. I see the millions of adventures that I have never dared to let myself dream of as being a possibility. I have so many hopes for what I want my life to look like afterwards…
but that terrifies me.
What if I don’t make it? What if I’m not supposed to make it? I think my doubts are what destroys me every time I try. I begin to over-think, to question, to not believe or at worst I tell myself that I don’t care. I am always preempting disaster because somehow if the worst happens then it might not hurt as much. I never realised how being so removed from myself could produce a pain just as earth shattering as what I was trying to avoid. I want the happily ever after even though I know that life is not a fairytale. Somehow I think I’m going to have to find a way to be ok with that. That acceptance is ok. That struggling in 10 years time to get through a breakfast is ok…because all that means is that I did not give up. I would love to love my body but the reality is that we have been hating each other for too long to undo that damaged relationship. Still, I need to find a way to be able to accept that I may not like something but it does not give me the right to deprive and hurt it in the way that I have been doing.
So when I think about recovery, maybe I need to draw a new image. Instead of love, I will see there is an amicable truth that can be found. Instead of dreams there are tentative hopes. Instead of hate, there is respect. I may not ever let go of the heaviness and I may also just feel like I am at best trying to survive…but surely it is better to be caught up than obliterated.
I hope your day has been good to you.