It has felt like my world has been crumbling for a while now. Treatment has tested me beyond what I thought it would and as you can imagine, it has left me uncertain as to how I carry on. I swing between apathy and frustration, wanting to leave and staying. I want recovery but as I am beginning to learn, I don’t really want the journey so much. It still amazes that I can not just click my fingers and turn the Anorexia off or that no matter how much positive thinking I inflict on myself it won’t make me wake up the next morning and find that my disordered brain has corrected itself through the night. I know this is going to take years to fix. I won’t be one of those people that has a light bulb moment and it suddenly makes enough sense for me to eat whatever I want without any anxiety. I’d like to…no I’d love to be like that but that is not my reality. Somehow I have to make enough peace with that so that I don’t destroy me entirely. Recovery will be a slow burn for me but I can’t deny that it hurts at the moment when I look around and seeing people fly by me in their treatment programmes. It annoys me that I can’t get excited about food, or that I don’t have genuine likes. It hurts that food still feels alien and like the enemy rather than something needed for my survival. There are so many things that I wanted to be able to do here to get me past this but those things by the looks of it are not going to happen.
As I’ve mentioned things have been rather chaotic here. I haven’t seen someone on my team for a good few weeks. I haven’t really spoken to anyone about all the noises in my head that seem to bounce around every moment I’m awake. Yet I haven’t felt like I’ve been able to say anything because that would make me needy(?) or a problem….or just a pain in the ass. I don’t want to be those things. What’s more the two groups that I really needed to do and wanted to do because I didn’t do them last time and they are big things for me are now things that I can’t do. One of them was a body image course and the other an eating out group. The body image group won’t be starting till January now and the eating out group has just restarted but I’m not ok enough so it will be another 7 weeks before it starts its new cycle. I won’t be in treatment anymore for either of them. This admission is feeling a lot like the last one in terms of missing out on a lot of important work. I’m not even doing the one to one work either and I guess I’m really concerned that when I leave here, nothing will have changed mentally for me and I will just fall back into restricting straight away. I see myself unravel on leave when I have to do my own meals…how incapable I am of feeding myself an ok amount and it worries me. I won’t live my life on some eternal loop. I refuse to. So the question is what do I do to break it once and for all? I haven’t got an answer yet but I am working on it.
I do however have some time booked in with one of my nurses tonight!
One of the other nurses who was doing the medication last night asked me if I was ok and instead of saying yes, I actually said no. I didn’t really think she would say anything in response to be honest so I wasn’t expecting it either. She asked me what was going on and I told her that I don’t know what I’m doing here anymore. It feels like I’m just being made to gain weight and that’s it. I haven’t seen anyone. I’m not doing anything. Why am I here? And she just kind of looked at me and told me how that isn’t fair. That it didn’t matter what was going on on the ward, that my treatment was just as important and that meant being able to seek staff support. Anyway she passed it over to someone on my team and he came to my room straight after his obs and said he wanted to book in some time for tonight and not just 5 mins but some actual time to go over everything that’s been going on. I didn’t realise how much I needed it and how much of a relief it would feel to have that arranged. I have felt so unanchored that I have been thinking that even if help did come, I don’t think it would even help anymore. Something is telling me that I just have to lay all my cards on the table and be as honest as I can. One of the things though that I don’t know whether to talk to him about is the issue of self harm. It’s something I’ve struggled with for 16 years and mostly I’ve had it under wraps but for the last couple of weeks I have found myself returning to it. I don’t want that to be an alternative because I can’t restrict my intake or engage with the Eating Disorder, which is what it feels like. Some days it’s like I’m just doing it until I can go back because I have to do something to balance out all the crap I feel and think…it’s just I don’t want to go back so I don’t know where that leaves me.
I guess still uncertain.
I hope your day has been good to you.