So the morning broke today and with it, it also broke me. I can’t pinpoint why it’s gotten to this point only that it is becoming increasingly unbearable. I think I’ve spent a good 90% of the day in tears. People are trying to be supportive but I feel so out of reach and distant that it doesn’t seem to be helping. I had a meeting with my therapist this morning and told her a little bit about what’s going on for me, how none of this feels ok and also how memories from the past continue to slam into me quite a lot lately. She was so kind to me, so nice and all I could think was that I don’t deserve for you to be treating me in this way. I don’t deserve you to be good to me. I think it’s clear though that from todays session that at some point I am going to have to go back to doing the trauma work with her. We got into it quite a few months ago (maybe longer) but we had to stop as my physical health deteriorated and that had to become the priority. Now that I’m in treatment and have a team dealing with that side of stuff, it means that we are free to carry on those sessions when I’m ready. At first though I am going to have to find a way to be able to ground myself in the present and find a safe place that I am able to go to mentally when it gets tough. This is going to mean being able to practice mindfulness techniques. As some of you may know I have an aversion to this, not because I don’t see the validity in it but because it makes me really anxious. I guess though I am just going to have to keep trying to do it though because we are running out of other options on how to be able to do this work safely.
After that session I went straight into MDT. I sat there and listened to members of the team giving their reports on my treatment so far and how we move forward. I don’t really remember much of what happened in it. I don’t think I was that present. All I know is that the leave I’ve requested for work stuff (except for one of the days) has been turned down. Apparently there is too much work for me to do on the ward and not a lot of time to do it, especially as things are becoming increasingly more difficult for me, which is fair enough and I wasn’t prepared to argue with them on that point. The my Consultant Dr J asked me how I was finding things, both positive and negative and I lost the power of speech completely. I tried to talk but couldn’t get the words to come out and when that happened the words and thoughts disappeared from my mind. Eventually after an excruciatingly long time and Dr J telling me that it was ok and to take time, I managed to push out a few sentences which I don’t think made sense but…it was something. When it ended, I went downstairs to the courtyard for a smoke and had a panic attack.
The day got worse. I physically shook all the way through lunch, my appointment with my dietician got cancelled and then I had a little meltdown and went over to the supermarket to buy things for tomorrows lunch. Part two of that meltdown continued when I got back. It was horrible. I’m not a fan of crying. My nurse P came to my room for some reason and instead found me a mess so we went off for a talk. I think I worried him, no I know I worried him. I hate doing that. I hate people seeing me like that/this. Here’s the thing, I’m not sure I want to be alive right now. I can’t see a way to get through this. I don’t see how I can live with myself anymore, in my head and in my body. Again I got told that I needed to seek staff support but all I could think was what’s the point? I think we’ve moved beyond that. I don’t know if I can be helped this time. By the end of it, he wanted me to speak to one of the doctors to just…I don’t know, get their opinion? Luckily Dr J was still here for medical review which meant that I wasn’t left to have a conversation with one of the junior doctors who most of the time don’t really know what’s going on. I’ll be honest it didn’t really help. I struggled to articulate anything and by this point I felt horribly drained. He asked me if I was going to be able to keep myself safe and I said I don’t know. He asked me if I wanted to go on to one to one obs for a while and I said no – because really it just eventually pisses me off. He tried to tell me that I’d been here before when my weight reached this point, that the dark thoughts had become quite overwhelming then but I had gotten through. I bit my tongue and didn’t say that the reason they had gotten better is because I had gone back to the Eating Disorder before I even realised that I had. In the end I don’t think there is a clear plan, he’s going to come back and see my tomorrow and look at how things stand.
My weekend leave is unconfirmed as of yet as I didn’t meet target this morning and because everything is kind of unsafe right now. I don’t have the strength to argue it though. Not today at least.
So all in all, a pretty shit day.
I hope your day has been kinder to you.