The walls, they keep on coming up. It doesn’t seem to matter how many times I break them down, there is another one waiting for me to get past, to stop me and make me want to give up. I feel like I’ve hit a pretty big one this time and instead of me tearing it down, it’s only getting higher. It’s not one thing either that makes it up, it’s a collection of many little things and it is those that always undo me the most. It feels like I am no longer capable of being positive or be able to see how I’m going to get through this. It hurts to talk. It hurts to think. It’s like I’m being swallowed up by something that is too big for me to even comprehend and as a result I feel like I have reached some kind of standstill. Anorexia is bringing me to my knees and I am doubting everything. All I can think is that I am not able to do recovery. It doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel comfortable or strong. My anxiety continues to escalate. My moods are hitting some majors dips and all I want to do is stop everything. I want to rewind and change my mind and let myself believe that I was better off before. Logically I know that that is crap. I wasn’t better. My body was giving up but right now I am trying to decide if my mind or myself giving up is actually better. What’s the use of refeeding my body if I cannot bear to live in it? What is the point to this if all I can dream of is going back even when I know that I am not remembering it right? I am drowning and all I want to do is scream for someone to help me and to leave me alone. I know that eventually I am going to have to pick the side that I want to win. I can’t expect both. I’m not sure what it is was that made me think that I deserved the chance to be free from this. I worry that I have wasted everybody’s time and resources, that I stole this place from someone who actually should have had it. The guilt is kind of overwhelming but so is the disappointment. I feel it towards myself and I expect that others will feel it too. They always think I am more capable than what I am. When will they realise that I am always going to let them down?
The ward environment doesn’t help right now. It’s tense and the staff are over-stretched. I don’t think anyone feels comfortable enough to ask for support. A lot of things like groups and one to ones got cancelled and pretty much everything was running late. It can’t last forever but for now and the foreseeable future it will. I was supposed to have a one to one with a member of my team last week but it got rearranged for today. When I asked whether that was still happening this evening, I got told that I hadn’t confirmed it with her therefore she hadn’t written it in the diary. I wouldn’t have minded this reality so much if a conversation between one of the nurses that I get on well with and my team member hadn’t of happened. In that conversation was the little breakdown I had yesterday, the need to maybe implement a crisis plan and part of that was to have a chat with me today, which my team member had told this other nurse was already scheduled in. Other than being fed I really don’t know what I am doing here anymore. I have MDT in the morning and I really I am not looking forward to it. I already know that there are some issues which are being brought to the meeting which will question my commitment to being here or more specifically recovery in general. I also really don’t want to get weighed in the morning because I have this fear that that will be the thing that finally breaks me.
I’m sorry that this is not a good post. I wish I could give you a happy shiny recovery/treatment story but I am not prepared to be dishonest like that on here. So I guess this is a shout out for all of you who are in recovery or some form of treatment and you are having a pretty horrific time of it. You are not alone. This can be a very unpretty journey and it can seem like everyone else around you is doing it so much better, there is no better way to do this. You have to do it your way…just try not to give up on yourselves, no matter how much you might hate the process.
I hope your day has been good to you