Let me start by telling you the good news: My back is so much better. I can feel the odd twinge permanently still but it’s not enough to be making me hide out in my room and cry. The second is that even though I didn’t reach the ward target weight gain yesterday, I’m still allowed to go on my first overnight leave on Saturday. They worked out my overall average of weight gain whilst I have been here and it works out that it has been enough to balance this last week out. I am really excited about it because I have missed my home. I have a lot of good things planned for this weekend too, like a matinée on Saturday and taking my little brother to the cinemas on Sunday. I’m also excited to be able to have a bath! The ones here are not that great and the idea of them makes me a little queasy so I haven’t had one. I’ll admit that I’m a little nervous though and it isn’t to do with the food as much, but because I had only just got used to being alone in a space again after the attack happened and then I came here so it’s going to be about getting used to be at home again alone with the anxiety that something bad will happen again. I’m hoping that I settle in quicker than I think I will and it will go back to feeling normal.
The not so great news is just me in general. I’m struggling a lot lately and still find myself disconnecting from a lot of things. I can’t be present in my mind and acknowledge that I am eating and neither can I process the weight gain. It’s beginning to worry me because until I crack this then essentially all I’m doing in treatment is eating to gain weight and that’s not cool. It won’t get me anywhere. I met with my dietician yesterday to talk a little about this and it is now going to be discussed in my 5 week review (Although it has been nearly 9 weeks). It’s never good when someone tells you something will be brought to MDT because it mean that something is amiss and will require the entire team to look at the issue as well as the consultant. These meetings assess your ability to commit to your treatment plan and if you aren’t meeting it then they begin to question what you are doing here and whether it is the best thing for you. I know that right now being in treatment is the only thing that is keep me going because if I went home, I wouldn’t be able to do this and keep up with my meal plan. Not at this point. So I don’t know how to change this. All I do know is that every time I have tried it has felt too uncomfortable and as though I am going to spin up off the table and out of control. I don’t want to have a meltdown or let it be seen that I am struggling. I don’t want to be that woman who appears to be anything less than able at keeping her shit together. But I am going to have to be…
It crosses my mind sometimes how easier it may feel to just let go of all that control and feel whatever I need to feel but that has never been my strong point. It has never felt acceptable. Generally though I have been feeling pretty out of sync with the world. It’s an odd sensation or experience but I couldn’t say what feels wrong about it, only that it does. I wonder if this will always be the case? and if it is can I learn to live with it?
I feel too unsure and heavy for the world.
I hope your day is good to you.