Thankfully today I can tell you that I think I’m beginning to come out of the other side of whatever last week was. The pain from my back injury is less and mostly tolerable which is fantastic news because I really don’t do pain very well. Don’t get me wrong, I have a pretty high threshold but once I go beyond that point it is probably best to just avoid me. I’m not quite sure how the other women on the ward have managed to put up with me and not slap me round the face in frustration but in all honesty, they have been incredibly supportive of me and their patience and general niceness has been amazing. Unfortunately the general medical care of the ward has not been that great. There is something about this new rotation of junior doctors that is a little worrying. None of them really seem to know what they’re doing and if they do, they have zero confidence in their abilities. It hasn’t offered much in terms of reassurance when you see it on their faces as they try to run through all the things that they have read and learnt in the hope of finding an answer to the problem they are presented with. It also doesn’t give you much comfort when their voices are merely whispers and they stumble over words, not looking at you directly. I want to give them a little shake and say “Trust your skills. Be assertive. Have some self-belief” but I fear that that may scare them a bit. I am hoping though that I won’t have to see another one for a while though but it remains to be seen because even though the pain is less, the numbness and tingling in my butt and legs is a problem that continues to flare up.
With all of this going on, it has felt like the Eating Disorder part of me has been left to run free. I haven’t engaged in any behaviours because quite frankly, there is no opportunity here on the ward. However my brain has been struggling to truly grasp the concept of recovery. Every bite has felt like I’ve been doing something wrong and I don’t know if it’s me telling myself that or the Anorexia. I don’t want to continue to be in the position where I feel like I’m just eating in order to get to my target weight but at the moment that’s what it seems like. I haven’t been able to think about and accept the weight gain that has already happened and I think there is a part of me that believes it only to be temporary. At times I catch myself thinking that as soon as I leave her it will change again and I can go back to a place where I feel more comfortable. Of course this is a complete load of bull because I will never be able to find a weight that is comfortable and that would not be recovery, that would be just going straight back to Anorexia and all the things that I don’t want. All of this would be a waste of time. Yet accepting that this body (and it’s going to get bigger) is mine and is going to be mine well in to the future feels like such an overwhelming thing to take on board. I have wondered this week if maybe the thing that I am going to have to do is just accept instead that there are some things that I’m never going to be ok with. I may never feel ok with eating, or taking up space or living in a body that is excessive and it might be that that has to be ok. Yet I can’t help but feel by doing that I would be selling myself short somehow or taking the easier option. Prior to coming in I was very adamant that I didn’t want that. I lived in quasi-recovery land for two years and yet not once did I think I was being true to myself. It’s confusing isn’t it? There is this constant conflict going on and even now I don’t know which side will win. I wanted more from my life which is why I came into treatment but the reality feels like it could break me completely. If I blow this opportunity, if I screw around and never really get to what’s going on internally for me than I’m not sure I’d be able to forgive myself at the end. It would feel like a waste and relapse no doubt would be inevitable.
I think the best option for me at this point would be to actually try talking to my Primary Nursing Team without the distraction of my back issues and hopefully begin to untangle some of this nonsense. I have a one to one with my associate in half an hour and maybe something in that will help me get my head caught up a little bit with all the changes that have been going on with my body. I am going to have to simply be honest and deal with whatever may come from that. It could hurt but living like this, being like this hurts too.
I hope your day is good to you.