Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

The Damage Done

Things are getting progressively worse here. I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. As I mentioned the other day I was having some muscular pain in my neck which was making things harder than they should be. After a pretty awful day of it one of the other patients offered to do some work on it (she’s a physiotherapist). It completely worked and my neck felt so much better but not long after I started to feel quite unwell. I had twisted my back earlier in the day and it seems that without the neck pain to distract me, the back injury could take centre stage. I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of in agony with it. Yesterday all I did was cry. The pain was overwhelming, painkillers from pharmacy didn’t arrive till 5pm and the doctor didn’t come up to see me till 8:30pm (she was expected at 2pm at the latest). Mostly it’s the weirdness I’ve been feeling and not just the pain. I’ve been losing more and more feeling in my legs and arms since yesterday morning. Tonight the entire lower half of my body was tingling and I wasn’t quite sure I was going to be able to sit through dinner. The nurse at my table is fantastic though and she sat with me at the end to just go through what I was feeling physically then did my obs. I think part of it is because I’ve been sat for a lot of today and that seems to be making it worse so she let me go and do my rest period in my room in bed rather than sitting in the communal lounge which is what we have to do. I can feel my butt now but due to the tension, I can feel my entire back muscles and neck beginning to get worse. I can’t get comfortable at all. I want the pain to stop so I can get on and focus on my treatment but I’m not sure how long a twisted back nerve takes to heal. The doctors coming back up to see me tonight and hopefully a plan can be put into place so that I can deal with the pain and numbness.

It’s also tied in with some results that I got today which although I was expecting was still a bit of a slap. I had my bone density scan a couple of weeks ago and the doctor sat down with me today and told me that I had osteopenia in my spine. It’s only slight and can be reversed with an adequate diet but still. How could I have let myself get so malnourished that it could do this to my bones when I’m only in my twenties? It could be worse and I’m trying to hold on to that. I can still fix this.

Yet even though I know all this I won’t deny that I’m not struggling with my weight and body at the moment. I feel so swollen and yes…fat! I can’t escape that feeling or the need to crawl out of my skin to make it stop. It shouldn’t mean anything. It shouldn’t be so important when I can actually see how much Anorexia has wrecked my body but it is. Tomorrow is weigh in again and I’m really not looking forward to it. I really need to gain weight in order to have leave this weekend for my sisters baby shower but equally I don’t want to. I want to stop this process because it feels as if I am losing something that even though I hate is all I’ve ever really known. I have to wonder though how much of my own perception plays in to this and by that I mean my Manager came today to see me and asked if I had been gaining weight. I was stunned that she could ask such a question when to me it is so startlingly obvious that it feels almost ridiculous. Of course I am gaining but is it possible that they way I see myself gaining/restoring is not the same as everyone else sees? I don’t have an answer to that and I’m not sure I’d believe anyone else at this point either if they contradicted my own eyes. It does make me think though.

I hope your day has been good to you.

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