It’s a difficult day today simply because I am so overwhelmingly exhausted (and a little bit because it was weigh in this morning). I think all my early mornings are finally catching up with me and even just the changing of the clocks this year seems to have thrown me even further out of sync. Mostly it’s down to some muscular pain. I must have slept funny a couple of nights ago because I’ve hurt my neck and it is radiating all down my back and shoulders. I may also be coming down with something too as I feel generally pretty awful and have a headache that doesn’t want to shift. It’s not doing my mood any favours because if you didn’t already know, I am terrible at being unwell or in pain. It takes a lot for me to notice it but when I do, I genuinely feel really sorry for myself. It would be funny if it didn’t feel so awful. Yet I refuse it to use it as an excuse to not keep trying hard in my meals. The thing about this place that it doesn’t really matter what else is going on for you, you still have to complete your meals. That’s a big thing here and nobody wants to get an incomplete. I’m not sure when that psychological shift happens, when it swaps from people being upset about finishing meals to being upset about not finishing, but it does and kind of quickly too. Mostly though so far today I have been getting on with some of the psychological work that was set for me last week because when you see a lot of different professionals, that work pile soon starts to add up. All that empty time you had at the beginning of the treatment soon begins to fade and suddenly you have a daily schedule which is crammed with all the things that you need to get done in. I prefer it like that but then stillness has never been my strong point.
I have just come out of a very useful group though which followed on nicely from a post I did a couple of days about the physical aspects of beginning recovery. Today we were looking at the process of refeeding and with that the changes that the body goes through, why and also refeeding syndrome. Thankfully I am out of the danger zone of that happening because when you think about it, it is quite frightening. I find it sad that even when we try to repair our bodies there is still a risk of suffering some major consequences. I think its easy to not think about how this is going to impact you when you’re in the depth of starvation but when you come out of that place and really see what you have been doing, it starts to matter. Each time I let myself go through another relapse, it’s going to take my body longer to repair. It’s going to also have to work harder to fix it too. The good news is though is that the body is highly adaptive and that once you gradually start introducing food back into your life then within a couple of weeks that risk of refeeding syndrome drops as your body is dealing with the shift of changing the source of its energy. Then when you hit roughly the 6 week mark, if your diet is consistent, a normal metabolic rate will be in place. Weight stops feeling like it’s shooting up too quickly and begins to find a steady pace of increase. Those mood shifts begin to stabilise and those feelings of euphoria and then sudden floods of tear become less intense and rapid in changing. Weight redistribution will happen but it’s going to take about a year to do so. Basically the body is going through so many hormonal, physical and psychology changes in the first few weeks of recovery that I guess it kind of makes sense of why it feels so nightmarish. Yet what I must repeat is that the only way that this ever gets better is by continuing to go through it.
I think it’s going to take a long time before my body can forgive me. I think it may take even longer before I forgive me too.