It is now day 41 of treatment. Is it terrible that I’m still keeping count like that? I think I do it because I don’t want to let myself forget that I still have a life that I left behind and that it wasn’t that long ago. It’s easy to let the time blur and a say roughly a couple of months or longer. It’s easier (at least for me) to stop caring how much time has passed. I don’t want to get used to this place. I don’t want it to become my normality again. It’s not that I hate it as such, it’s just hate that I have to be here in the first place. Yet I am thankful for it most days. I am lucky. I realise this. I live in a place which happens to be the city where the Eating Disorder Unit is based, so that means I automatically have access to specialised care which others who live out of area do not. I don’t have to apply for funding to be an inpatient…all I had to do was agree to come in. I think that’s why I feel guilty a lot of the time for being here because I know that had I lived anywhere else, if my BMI was over the criteria by even 0.1, had I not had an amazing community team who knew when my limits had been reached then I would have stayed at home and continued to drive myself into the ground. It’s also why it pisses me off when people don’t give everything they have to this process. Most of the patients here agree to come voluntarily and detaining is rarely used simply because you can’t make someone want to recover and you can’t make them actually recover. There are people here who seem to complain every moment of every day and although I personally love a good few hours of wallowing in self-pity and having a rant, when it comes down to it, that can’t be all that you do all the time. When I see people not getting involved with the psychological parts of treatment such as the groups or they are continuously walking out of meals or rest periods then it annoys me. You get out what you put into this and if you are not giving it everything it’s not going to get any better. There are so many people that I know that need specialist input and because of a lack of luck or a BMI that’s a little too high they are denied any treatment. I’m not saying that individuals have to get on with things, not struggle or essentially snap themselves out of it because that’s not going to happen. If it was then this whole piece and existence of units in the first place would be irrelevant. I think what I’m saying is that this place is hard. Recovery is hard…but you can’t keep telling them same stories over and over again as a way to justify not engaging. We are not the beyond hopeless or the sickest people, we are not individuals who no one in the world can understand so we must be put away…we got lucky. We get another chance of living a life with the potential of it being a free life. Some will never know that and some will die trying to know that. So today I am thankful because even though all this hurts like hell, it is better to be here trying to live than out there trying to at the minimum exist.
I hope your day has been good to you.