As you know the last few times that I’ve posted I have been in a quite a dark place. Things have felt overwhelming and the hope of recovery had begun to feel like something that may be unachievable. There have been quite a number of times when I have sat in my room on the ward and cried because it has felt like I can not meet the goals that I had set out for myself and what’s more it has felt like even tolerating life and myself seemed too much of a stretch to think about. I don’t know if I’m over the worst of it yet but despite that I am still trying. I think that when I think about giving up, I try to remind myself of all that I have which is worth fighting for. I have walked away too many times in the past and to be truthful I am tired of being that person who constantly wants to pretend that things are not happening. The reality is that if I don’t continue to attempt to remove the power that the Eating Disorder has over me then I will be signing myself up to live a kind of life that I am not ok with. I have to do everything that I can during this admission because I won’t have it in me to come back. I cannot do another round of treatment if this one fails to sustain and it might also be that I won’t survive the relapse. My body is healing but I have to learn that once it is healthy it is not ok to go back to destroying it. In order to do that I have to believe that I matter. That ‘I’ as an individual have an identity that is not bound up only in Anorexia. It might sound simple but at times it is unclear for me to hear my voice and distinguish if it is truly my own or how much of it is influenced by the other voices.
It all feels fragile at the moment and I extend that feeling to myself as well. I don’t think that shell that I wear around me is as solid as it used to be. I know that that is a good thing in the grand scheme of things but in the here and now it is like an open wound with the nerves exposed constantly being prodded. The problem is until I let it heal rather than just papering over it then it’s going to continue to hurt. Everyday I go through the motions of getting from morning to night but I am avoiding so much that it at times none of it feels really real. I keep waiting for the day that I get to stop or at least for a break but the reality no such thing can happen. Sure there will come a day in a few weeks when I will leave the unit. I will attempt to try and put myself back in the life that I left behind but I will be a different person. I’m going to have to figure out how to be ok with that person. Mentally I am still miles behind my body but if I take the pressure off in an attempt to let my mind catch up then my physical side will take a hit and I cannot let that happen either because to be able to do the necessary psychological work, the nutritional rehabilitation needs to be achieved.
I think of all the work that I still have left to do and it makes me feel small and afraid. I think I can work through it but at this point I’m not entirely sure or convinced. The hope was that I’d get stronger quicker than this but as always I underestimate Anorexia.
Maybe it’s time to stop doing that.
I hope your day is good to you.