Weigh in again this morning. It’s getting to me more as the weeks go by. I equally want to stop it before it goes any higher but not stop it because it means that I will reach my target quicker therefore spending less time in hospital. Yet, it doesn’t really matter what I want it to do because it’s going to do its own thing regardless. Everyday I complete my full meal plan and instead of the weight gain naturally slowing down which everyone says it will, it seems that it keeps taking these giant leaps and every time that it happens it feels like I’ve been punched in the stomach. Today’s though seems to be the worst one yet. From straight after it happened till lunch I cried either in my room or on my walk round the grounds. Afterwards and now, I just feel…well very little of anything really. I’m exhausted and hurting but it’s more like a dull ache beneath a haze of something that I can’t figure out. I’ve barely spoken today because it seems like too much of an effort. Even making polite conversation with the other women passing me in the hallways means that I have to give something that I haven’t got. I’m sure if I was capable of it then I would more than likely be feeling guilty about it. I’m not supposed to show that this is getting to me. I’m supposed to be able to smile all the fucking time. I don’t know if I can keep all this up.
Last night I went out for cigarette with one of the nurses and all these words just came out of me. Yet I can’t remember what I actually told her or what I was just thinking in my head. I did tell her that it didn’t matter, that whatever I was feeling was irrelevant. It’s not going to change this situation. I still have to get up and eat and gain weight so what is the point in talking about it? My friends are falling apart and I’m not there for them. My little brother is going the same way and getting into trouble and again I am not there for him. I hate myself in a way that I can’t even begin to verbalise. Most of the time my thoughts swing to suicide and self harm and punishment. I didn’t hear anything she said back to me. I couldn’t rise above the noise in my own head to let anything else in. I’m so scared of myself and how fragile everything seems at the moment. I don’t know what to do.
I think recovery is kind of kicking my butt right now.
I hope your day is being kind to you.