I feel like in the last two days I’ve hit both some major highs and lows and to be honest I am kind of reeling from it. You’d have thought by now that parts of my mind would have begun to emerge from the fog or at least figured out how to prepare itself from the constant shift of emotion. Instead all it has made me do is sit in a room with my therapist and try to stop myself from breaking down as I admit that I feel like my Eating Disorder right now. I need something to put between me and the outside world because it is too much for me to handle. It’s too unsolid for me and like the creature of habit that I am I want to lose myself in Anorexia. What I want is restriction and a way to make my weight go down because it feels too high, I feel too excessive and surely won’t that make it better? I am remembering the lies but in this moment I do not care that they are lies. To me the Eating Disorder has always been reliable in the sense that it has always felt like it was there for me. It doesn’t matter that it was killing me, would kill me if I went back but it never faltered. It never turned away from me. But I chose to give up. I chose to come into treatment and attempted to convince myself that I could ever be free from it. I am sat here getting bigger and knowing that I can’t do a damned thing about it other than leave treatment but I can’t do that because if I have to live with the Anorexia then I won’t live at all.
I’m tired of pretending to be someone that I’m not. I walk around this unit being this preppy, positive person and to be blunt, if I met me I would want to slap me. Yet I feel there is this expectation to tell everyone else that it’s all going to be alright, that they are going to get through this because they are strong enough. I don’t know if they’re going to be fine or if they’re going to recover. I can’t give them a guarantee and I can’t be an example right now because the more I try to be, the more I hate myself everyday. Take for example lunch today…I have been struggling all morning with energy levels and mood. I’d just had my therapy appointment and had been giving voice to how much I feel like I’m worth shit at the moment and then I go in there and two other people join me at the table. One of them is lovely and so is the other, but the other also has a tendency to kind of drain you. Usually I’m pretty good at keep up a steady stream of conversation because it helps to distract me but today I couldn’t do that. Today I just wanted to be left alone and get through my meal without falling apart, which I did because I shut down again for most of it. This lady though kept trying to talk to me, ask me questions and tell me that I had a long day yesterday and I must be tired. I am not a bloody child to be patronised. Yet the more I struggled, the more she started to faff about with her own food. By the time dessert rolled around, she’s sat there playing with her yoghurt whilst I have to eat my substantial desert of fruit crumble and custard. In the end I sat there with tears falling down my cheeks, eating one bite after the next and trying to get it over with as quickly as I could. It just feels like I can’t even let myself show that I’m struggling because when shit like that happens and you start to impact others then it’s not cool. I am internalising everything and storing it up, avoiding as much as I can, not looking in mirrors, changing my clothes as they start to fit too tightly for my liking.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to go home and lock the door and not eat.
It won’t achieve anything but maybe the world won’t hurt quite so much as this? I know though that I won’t leave. I have screwed up too much in my life to make the people around me go through me leaving treatment. Also as tired as I am…past all of these current thoughts of not wanting etc, all I really want is to be free.