I’m trying to be happy today…I really am. It’s my birthday. I don’t want to be sad even if they don’t mean that much to me. But I was weighed this morning and seeing that number go up the way that it has it making me want to cry or crawl out of my skin. Maybe both. I close my eyes and all I see are those little red digits flashing up. It feels like it has taken too big a jump from Mondays weigh in and I can’t quite tolerate that and yet I can do nothing to change it or bring it down to a pace that feels more comfortable to me because that is what has had me at a standstill for the last couple of years. Overall I haven’t gained that much since I’ve been here because of the initial loss…but I am now beyond my admission weight and somehow the weight gain seems more frightening, more out of my control than it has been feeling this last month. I worry that it will never end and that each week it will happen again and before I know it I will not have only reached target but surpassed far more than I ever intended to. I don’t trust my body enough to do what it needs to do on its own. I always want to interfere, put limitations on it, tell it was is right and wrong. I want to manipulate my size to fit this ideal in my head which will never be attainable but I know that doing that is not recovery. The more I try to force myself into an image, the louder Anorexia gets and if I keep listening to that then I undo everything that I have already done. I genuinely believe that a number is just a number, that it represents nothing else other than that and yet for some reason it is enough to hurt me in a way that feels unbearable.
I feel like I can’t process what it means to be weight restoring. Most days I’m just taking and taking it without overly thinking about it but as more weight gain happens that is becoming harder to do. I still have a bit to go before I reached my target weight and I am afraid that once I reach it then I will find that I won’t be able to accept it. I was never able to the last time and my target range was lower than what it is this time. Maybe it’s because I never reached healthy and so my brain physiologically was not able to. I don’t know. I am unsettled about it today but I can’t be. I am trying to hold on to what I have going on for me at the moment. I get to go out on leave this afternoon and because I did meet the requirements for weight gain this week it means that I can have afternoon leave at the weekend. That’s something right?
I hope your day is good to you.