Let me first apologise for my absence over the last few days. I ran out of mobile data on my dongle which meant no internet other than on my phone for 3 days. I did not like that one bit. I know that I use my laptop a lot but didn’t realise quite how much I depend on being able to access the world in that way. In truth it was probably a good thing though, especially yesterday as it forced me to leave my room a little bit more and engage with the other patients on the ward just to stop driving myself mad but even so it’s not something I want to repeat any time soon.
I guess you could say that things have pretty much remained the same since I last wrote. It’s been the constant changing emotions, the absences and tiredness. I keep waiting for something to change inside of me that tells me I’m an alright person but that hasn’t happened yet. I am making progress in my treatment though and am getting better at talking with people about the thoughts that I’ve been having. I am trying to understand my Anorexia but as I attempt to do that, I keep finding that it has even more layers than I initially thought. How will I ever unlearn or undo all the things that have kept me trapped for years?
My dietician tells me that I sound exhausted when talking about the way I was living my life before coming into treatment. There were so many things that I had to change or adapt to in order to accommodate the Eating Disorder and everything became about not pissing if off but still having enough energy to not pass out in public. She see’s how I have so much now in my life that I want to fight for but I think she is one of the few who also understands how much more frightening that is for me. I have things that I can lose that matter to me this time. If I burn out from this and give up, if I let Anorexia win, then I don’t know how I am going to be handle the crash the follows. The realisation that even when I think Anorexia has taken all that it can from me and that it can still take more is one that feels like a punch in the stomach.
My nurse asks me why I am not self righteously angry about all the loss that has been caused by it? She says if it was her she’d be telling it to “Fuck off…that it’s already taken too much” and she’s right. I just don’t feel like I have a right to be angry about anything. I don’t deserve to be upset about things and I feel that I have to take them. Until I can decide that I am a worthwhile human being then I worry that this process is only going to get me so far and that afterwards if I cannot at least except my body then I am going to continue to relapse. I have done too many rounds of this, at some point I’m not going to be able to do another.
I guess there is a lot going on right now and I don’t want to go into too much detail mainly because I don’t have the concentration at this point to write about it. I am trying to rethink all the thoughts I once held as truth and change them into something that isn’t going to continuously destroy me. It’s hard, but I think it’s going to be hard for some time.
Thankfully there have been moments when my mood has been better over the last couple of days (not today though). In those moments it has felt like I have managed to breathe for a second and I cannot begin to describe what that relief feels like. I was fed up of being miserable and crying in my room so I made myself laugh and talk. Sometimes it was real…even if it is hard to know what real is right now. There are connections that I am beginning to form with other patients now too which does make me feel less alone and it is important. Without peer support I don’t think treatment would be as effective. I was also told yesterday that I now have hours out after progressing into stage 2, will have leave tomorrow afternoon for my birthday and if I meet target at weigh in then I will be able to have weekend leave between meals. I have been missing my life a lot lately so it was a relief to hear this. Things are moving forward and I know I still have a tonne of work to do but it’s better than being static. It’s better than still being at home, hating my world and waiting to die. As painful as all this is…it’s giving me back some of the hope that I had started to lose.
I hope your day has been kind to you.