I keep coming on here to write something but it all feels so blank. I am blank. Sometimes I worry that as each day passes I begin to lose more of my personality. My comments dry up, the banter which used to come so naturally escapes and the very act of being engaged in a conversation seems intimidating and beyond me. Am I doing this to me or has Anorexia done this to me? Maybe it’s a little bit of both.
I am trying to figure out so much stuff right now and look for answers but there are moments when I wonder if they even exist. What if there are no answers or reasons? I don’t think I like the idea of that because then all of this feels as though it would be unfixable and if I can’t fix it then I have to live with it, and if I can’t live with it then I can’t be here anymore.
Clearly my head is not in the best place right now.
In the last couple of days I have felt more absent in my meals, more unable to tolerate how difficult they are and so the only way that I have been able to get through is by shutting down most of my thoughts and feelings about what is happening. I am good at this. I know this…it’s just the coming back that is proving to be the difficult part but I know that I can’t stay away forever. That is not recovery. That is throwing myself into ignorance and denial all over again.
Yesterday was definitely harder than today, in fact, today has felt rather tame in comparison. For one I was weighed yesterday which is always hard. It’s shite seeing those numbers go up and knowing that I can’t do anything to make them go back down. That I’ll never be able to. It feels like it’s happening too fast and it is happening fast but this is inpatient. It’s supposed to be intense. It’s supposed to get you out of the weight danger zone as quickly and safely as it can. The body seems to work miles ahead in comparison to the mind. I want it to be the other way round, that in some way I can make peace within myself first and then have my body repair itself. But that is not how the human body works unfortunately.
Today my mood has been a little more bearable for the first half of the day. We had an interesting dietetic group which looked at energy use. It’s weird because I knew all the right answers to the questions on the quiz. I could even explain those answers and yet I didn’t quite believe them. I had that whole thing of “It doesn’t apply to me” thing going on. My Parents also came in for a visit this afternoon which was actually ok. My Dad got back yesterday from Saudi and was strangely very talkative and engaged. It freaked me out a little if I’m honest. He had also brought me back some ZamZam water which he made me drink when he arrived. I know it’s a gift and that I should be honoured and I am. Yet it is also hard for me because ingesting things that I don’t know, especially from different countries scares me. What I want to be thinking about is all the healing properties that it is said to have but instead I find myself worrying that it will hurt me in some way. I think it’s just a complete lack of an ability to trust anything right now…but I think that can be applied on a much larger scale and be true of most things right now.
I just…It is like I am waiting for this to be over or I’m holding my breath for something but I don’t know what. I don’t know when it will end.
I hope your day has been good to you.