It has felt like I have been drowning more so than usual these last couple of days. Some days I’m not sure if I’ll ever make it out. Hopeless at this point may be too strong a word though. I think what I am feeling is a mixture of despair and tiredness which leads my brain to get stuck on some kind of thought loop which is currently never leading anywhere good. I’ll be honest with you, I keep thinking that I’m not sure I even want to be alive anymore. I wonder how I was foolish enough to believe that things could ever just be ok for me, that I could ever be ok for me. I think for me one of the most challenging parts of that is that I begin to make it seem like it’s right. I begin to justify everything in my head and look for ways to reinforce that idea that I am not good enough, or relevant or irreplaceable. I never wanted to come back to this place where I seek comfort and security in the idea of suicide. It is ridiculous to cling to something which only seems safe because it will ultimately destroy me and somehow that seems better than living with the self hate for the rest of my life.
Yesterday afternoon all I could do was cry. It started around 1pm and carried on for most of the night until I went to bed. The only time I stopped was when I had to go for meals or be in a communal space and I made myself pull it together but afterwards…as soon as I was alone it started again. Maybe I’m supposed to take comfort in the fact that I can control it like that? That I can stop the public emotional meltdowns. I’m not sure because the thing that fuels that is my need to not appear weak or pathetic. I don’t want to be that person who walks around crying and screaming because everything hurts more than words could ever say. It may feel like that but expressing that is far beyond me. When it gets overwhelming I shut down. It’s the only way I can get through my meals. The foods are beginning to blur into one another and I am not registering very much of anything other than “I don’t want to do this”. I’m not expecting myself to be ok with food at this point but it’s like I’ve numbed myself to any connection with it. It’s draining to make myself that distant and yet equally it is exhausting to stay in the present. Mentally right now it feels like I am running away but the only thing I can do is to keep going with it. I could walk away from treatment. I could go back to losing weight. I could just hurt myself or end my life. I could…but I won’t. I am not in the head space to be able to make decisions that I can’t come back from. I agreed to treatment and to see this thing through no matter how horrendous it made me feel and that’s what I am going to try and do. It might be that it gets easier but it will probably get harder. That’s going to have to be ok.
I am getting better at talking about it though and I was able to say some of these things to my nurse today. In a way, although he could not take it away or say anything to make it feel more tolerable, just being able to not have those thoughts stuck in my own head meant that they felt a little less heavier. Sometimes just the act of being heard is enough to see you through the night.
Tomorrow is also weigh in day. As usual I am not looking forward to it in the least and have no idea what my weight will have done. I can’t gauge it in here. I know it will have gone up but who’s to say how much…It shouldn’t matter and all of it gets me to target that much quicker but it can’t happen faster than I am ready for it otherwise I’m going to freak out. I won’t be able to cope with it. It is just a number but I have lived most of my life being dictated by them. I wish that wasn’t the case but it is how things are. I want to be free of their importance but that will only come with time and work if it ever comes at all.
I’m not sure how I got here but I am going to have to keep trying to figure out a way to come back.
I hope your day has been good to you.