Today was a big step forward for me in my recovery and already I can tell the difference between the previous admission at the unit and this one. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach and the tone of my voice. This isn’t a ‘something I’m going to do because I don’t know what else to do situation’, this is a ‘I want this desperately and I’m willing to fight for it’ one instead. I’ve come a long way from that person who I once was. I have grown up and learnt that life can be filled with so much more than pain and destruction but I know that I still have a long way to go. I think when it comes to recovery you have to want it but I also believe that it will begin to form and unravel into something positive when you are ready. You can’t speed that process up. You can’t jump ahead or skip the parts that you don’t like. You have to live through every moment because avoiding certain parts is either what got you sick in the first place or what has made you stay ill for so long.
This morning I reached my target weight which meant that I was able to set my aims and objectives for treatment. Initially that weight gain, the first since I’ve been here felt cripplingly horrible but I had to let it go. I had to accept that this is what needs to happen, what I truly want to happen. I know there are going to be days when I want to crawl out of my skin and resort back to losing because it will feel more comfortable but for now I can work on the acceptance part. The world has not blown up because the number on the scales has gone up. I am still standing. I am coping. It means I can move forward. In my meeting today of about 10 professionals I sat and told them what my target weight would be, the programme that I am intending to do and what I want out of this admission. Compared to the last time, this was sincere. I have a drive and a purpose this time. I have something to reach for and life that I want to lead because last time I didn’t. In a way this makes it both harder and easier. The bigger picture helps but the reality of having something worth losing is always going to be risky. It hurts when you have such a long way to fall. There is a lot riding on me and I have an expectations. I don’t want to let myself down. It was a successful meeting and my treatment team are in full support of these plans, the other good news is that I will be able to my maintenance with the community team. This is pretty intensive support but you get to do it from home which I think is the best thing. In the meantime I told my doctors/nurses/therapists and other team members that they need to hit me with everything they’ve gone. Even when I think I can’t take anymore, I still want to do it. I want to put the fire under the Eating Disorder and burn it away. It’s going to be hard, it’s going to hurt, it’s going to make me feel raw and I will probably end up bitching on here a lot to you guys…but I don’t have the time or patience anymore to take this gently. I have a year off to go at this thing as hard as I can and I intend to do just that.
I can’t keep backing down. My emotions are all over the place at the moment and I can’t quite grasp that I matter or that I deserve very much of anything…and I never realised how much that thought was keeping my stuck until I unpicked it with my therapist this afternoon. I keep thinking that I have no right to be angry or upset or anything negative. I don’t feel like I have the right to take up space or time. At some point I am going to have to challenge those thoughts. Unfortunately those thoughts we only exacerbated when my Mum and Sister came to see me. They spent the entire time complaining about how much of an effort it is to come and see me and all the demands that are being placed on them. I wanted to scream at them…all the things that you are doing, taking my little brother to his classes, running errands for my Mum and aunt, taking my Mum anywhere, doing x,y or z they are the things that I have been doing for the last couple of years! I have done all of that and live further away than my two adult siblings and did uni full-time and worked full-time hours volunteering most weeks. Seriously, its been two and half weeks! Can you just not bring this shit to me because right now I don’t want to here it. I feel guilty enough most of the time for being here.
I am trying so hard to be ok tonight, to not be devastated by both my dinner and supper because it is too exhausting to keep doing it to myself but it’s hard. I’m really hoping I can get some sleep tonight.
I hope your day has been good to you.