Every bite cannot continue to be a war.
Every meal cannot continue to be the end of the world.
I am too exhausted for it to carry on like that. I keep wondering when will the self hate and guilt stop? When will I stop feeling like every time I sit down at the dinner table I am doing something wrong? I know that it is still early days. I cannot expect to undo all the damage, the beliefs, the rules that have developed over the years in only a couple of weeks…but to be truthful, I expect more from myself, but then I suppose I always have done. It’s quite possible that’s part of what has led me to this place to begin with. I think I’ve always believed that when you give your best, you’re not really giving it everything you have. There is still maybe another 20%+ that you just haven’t tapped in to yet. Of course as with everything this logic only ever applies to me. I can never quite be happy with what I have done because I always tell myself that I should have and could have done better. So being here, struggling and still failing to complete all my meals makes me kind of ashamed. Yet I also feel ashamed for eating anything in the first place. This conflict is driving me up the wall. All I know is that each day I go a little further, finish more of my meals and for some reason I am finding that hard to accept. I have to find a way to be able to accept it. It feels like I’m delaying something whilst I’m not completing and I wonder what is stopping me. It’s going to happen…sooner or later I am going to have to eat all of my meals and gain weight so wouldn’t it just be better to get it over with? I have this internal fight going on constantly and more than anything I would love to be able to mute it. Stop the questioning, the doubts, the bargaining and everything else that the Eating Disorder is trying to throw at me in order to make me quit this whole recovery process.
I can’t quit! I won’t allow myself to quit.
Each day I wake up thinking that this will be the day when I stop letting myself be so rattled by the challenges and then I eat and I’m still saying the same thing but I feel like a caged animal. Jittery, on edge and I’m pretty sure that if the nurses could tie my legs down so they would stop shaking they probably would. Then I get this thought in my head that all I have to do is get through this one meal and then it’s over. I can move on. And then in the very next moment it hits me, this is it. Forever. I will still have to eat the next meal and the one after that and next week and for the rest of my life. There is no going back to restricting to control my emotions. There will never be a focus on getting a lower number on a scale to make me feel better. I will have to eat and eat an adequate amount for the rest of my life and somehow I have to make myself be ok with that. It’s like a kick in the stomach that moment. I’m waiting for it to change. I want to be excited about food and eating at some point. I don’t want to have to live a life punishing myself for letting myself have something that is essential to maintaining life.
The night though is being gentler on me tonight which I am grateful for. I’ve had a one to one with my nurse, discussed my CPA, how I’m doing, what I’m thinking and it’s a relief to be able to have a conversation with someone who gets my humour. Things are looking positive if I forget the momentary or hourly struggles of each day. I still want what I want. I’m still driven to get it. It just might take longer than I thought…but who knows. Unfortunately treatment is all amount a numbers game here. They don’t have the resources for it to be anything else. Nobody likes it but it is the state of services right now. Anyway the initial plan was for me to set my aims and objectives tomorrow because they like to do this as soon as possible, the problem is though that I am not at the required BMI to be able to do this anymore. It will all come down to Thursdays weigh in but I really want to be able to set those goals at my meeting this week. I think it will help to have something solid set and I’m glad that tonight when I had the option to lower my range, I didn’t. I kept it where I was aiming for before all this started. I am getting to healthy. I can’t do this and not go all the way again. That would just be ridiculous. I’m here and so it’s going to have to be all in for me.
I hope your day has been kind to you.