Increase week is just plain horrible. I can’t dress it up to be anything better because it’s not. I feel kind of broken by todays and know that it’s going to get harder as the week goes on. I should explain how it works…Each day we choose one of our meals or snacks and the portion is increased from half to full. A couple of days ago I started with supper, then cold dessert, breakfast yesterday and then today was hot meal. Tomorrow it’s cold meal. Mostly I am feeling broken by it and with that comes the exhaustion. I am doubting whether I am strong enough to see it through, if I can continue each day hating myself this much and feeling so uncomfortable. Up until now I haven’t really felt the real physical discomfort that comes from refeeding but it’s happening tonight. The nausea is something that I am trying to ride out but already I am stressed that in 50 minutes I am going to have to have supper. I’m not sure that I can do it but there isn’t really a choice. If I want to be well then I am going to have to feel this discomfort for quite some time until my stomach has stretched itself out again. So the next time I decide that listening to Anorexia is a good idea and I start to slip into a relapse, could someone please just give me a slap in the face and remind that it’s really not.
I’m also anxious that tomorrow is weigh day. I’m seriously not looking forward to it. I don’t know how to handle a gain…I haven’t done it yet since I’ve been here. I’m scared. I’m scared not so much of the number but what my reaction will be. I have seen it undo me before. I have seen it having me run to my room and start packing my bags before I can even get a grip on what I’m doing let alone think about it rationally. I have this fear that the number will swing upwards in a way that feels too quickly, too out of control and I will not be able to do anything about it. I won’t be able to compensate by restricting again. I won’t be able to drive that number down. After all, the point of me being in treatment is to weight restore. I’m supposed to be making my body strong and getting to a medically safe and then a healthy BMI is part of that. I’m not sure why it bothers me so much. I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve but all I know is that I have an issue with taking up space and by gaining weight I am actively engaging in the process of being more present, more solid, more generally and I find that hard to get my head around.
The positive though is that I am talking more to the staff today. Instead I was saying I was fine, I admitted that I was struggling but I didn’t really want to talk about it. That was fine though, just being heard helped and then for example after lunch today one of the nurses sat and talked to me about my work and his instead and how they are linked in certain areas. It helped me to get out of my head which at this point is all I can really ask for.
I have a long way to come back from and although I know roughly how long I am going to be here, I underestimated just how far I am going to have to travel in that time. Please bear with me, even on the days that I can’t be that optimistic.
I hope your day has been kind to you.