Today has been better. Today I did not cry or hide away in my room trapped in my head expecting the earth to stop spinning. I am trying to figure out how to use my voice rather than sitting in silence. I’ve been quiet for so long in my actual life that it is hard to change that now. I think my ego stops me from admitting most of the time to the people around me what I’m going through. I don’t want to appear broken or unable to cope. I don’t want to admit that I have weaknesses and flaws. I don’t want to admit that I’m not well…
But I have to.
At least I think I have to.
Today I had a one to one with one of the nurses on my team. It was the first time that we have had the chance to sit down and talk about how things are and what’s been going on for me. She pretty much has me figured out. I am a person of words whose actions are often failing to match. I say that I want recovery and yet I struggle to get through my meals. I am insightful enough to know a lot about myself and my disorder but not quite enough to recognise that this admission was not just a ‘things are a little messed up and I need a gentle push back in the right direction’ but a ‘You are really not well and the only reason why you’re not dead is because of sheer dumb luck’ admission. I asked her to be honest and to never bullshit me and she said that she would tell me like it is. I am relieved about that. I don’t need someone to be so concerned with upsetting me that they don’t feel like they can challenge the disordered part of me. Maybe it’s starting to sink in that I need to be here and although I don’t like that reality, it’s the way things are right now. Doing it at home failed, doing it in outpatients failed but I need to stop focusing on those failures and understand that that doesn’t make me a failure, it just means that the Eating Disorder was stronger than me. That’s ok though or it will be if I stop trying to insist that I do it alone whilst I’m here. It hasn’t sunk in yet that I am not expected to be polite and positive all the time for the sake of others. I don’t have to wear that mask. I don’t have to protect other people. All I have to do right now is somehow get through each meal until I have the energy and capacity to tackle the mental side of the disorder. Figuring out a recovery plan will come later but I have to learn to be patient and not get so frustrated with myself. That in itself is proving to be a challenge.
However I am making progress! Each day I am eating more than the day before. I am completing some of my half portion meals. I have started my increase plan. My life consists of two things right now:
1) Complete my meals and snacks
2) Don’t self implode
It sounds pretty straightforward but it isn’t. Each meal feels like I’m running a marathon. Every bite is a full-scale battle, balancing the pro’s and con’s, figuring out how I am going to live with myself if I do eat or how I live if I don’t. I had forgotten how exhausting this is. The only thing that’s getting me through right now is the support from the people in my life, a steady stream of mail (it’s amazing how much a handwritten letter can brighten your day) and the beautiful comments that I get from my readers on here. It’s good though, all these people are reminding me of the bigger picture and of a life that I need to get back to. I will get back to my life and this time Anorexia will have no place in it.
I hope your day has been good to you.