For most of the day I’ve been trying to figure out why food makes me so upset. What is it about it that makes me want to turn myself inside out or run away? At what point does something so seemingly innocent required in order to sustain life become seen as something set out to hurt me or make me afraid? Yet despite my hours of thinking (probably over thinking), I still don’t have an answer. I know that it isn’t really about the food but what it actually represents but trying to unpick those representations is leaving me coming up short. In a way there is this belief that if I can work out this part then somehow I can get through it. In essence I am looking for that one simple answer that explains everything and that I am able to understand because right now I don’t. I feel so out of control in my life right now because I’m not in control of anything. I can’t decide how to spend my days or who to see or where to go or what to eat (Ok I have three choices on the menu but you see my point?). I am terrified of gaining but desperate to do so that I can leave this place as quickly as I can but not so quickly that I don’t actually get better. I fear I have way too much time on my hands and not a lot of energy and so things tend to just play on a loop in my mind, getting more tangled up as I just lay on my bed and pray for a break.
I’m missing home. I’m missing my life. I’m missing not being challenged all the time. I just want to find the answers so that I can return and move on. I don’t have time for this…and when I say that, I mean my life is drifting by me and I’m not living it to its fullest. I am running out of time to experience and do all the things I want to do. A year, two, five…they just fly by when all you thought you did was blink. It doesn’t matter whether you’re 14, 32, 58…none of us have the time to waste on this disorder. I am trying really hard here to be free and as horrible as it feels (which is all of the time) I know that if I had chosen to stay at home then I might have ended up in a place that I couldn’t come back from. I don’t want to be chained anymore and so everyday, whether I have answers or not, that is what keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. I know how awful it feels to live with an Eating Disorder, now I want to know how good it can feel to live without. I am scared and knackered and doubtful everyday but what else is there?
I know this post doesn’t flow very well today and I could try and correct it but I don’t think I should. At the moment this is a little bit what my head is like…jumping from one thought to the next with slight links that become bigger before going off in a different direction. In time it should get better and hopefully my concentration will holder longer than 5 minutes but until then I will just keep writing whatever comes to mind.
I hope your day has been kind to you.