Emotions are exhausting! Who knew you could have so many of them and that you could experience them all in the space of one day? Each day I go from feeling OK and quite determined to bouncing off the walls with anxiety, to hysterical tears and anger to heart-break and sorrow. Lets just say that I am pretty exhausted right now.
I said that I kind of lost it and broke into pieces on Sunday night, well that was obviously just the warm up act to what I went through last night. It’s been a good few years since I went to pieces like that and especially in the presence of another person. Usually I can hold it in till I am on my own. I can put a pause to my tears so that no one really see’s the full extent…so I’m not quite sure what happened. Maybe it was because my defences were down and the no sleep from the previous night before caught up with me or maybe it was because this one nursing assistant looked at me and told me that it was ok that I was struggling, that I’m here because I can’t do this alone and for the first time really it felt like I didn’t have to pretend that I had my shit together. It wasn’t pretty. How did I explain this deep-rooted loneliness that I have been feeling for as long as I can remember? How could I explain that I don’t think if I’m the person that people need me to be then who will ever want to be with me? I think most importantly was though, how do I find the words to say that if this thing in my head doesn’t leave me completely then I don’t think I can carry on living? There are no words to explain this and at the same time make her really understand the depth of what I was saying because even I don’t think I was ready to accept it. In the end all I could say was sorry. Sorry for not being strong enough. Sorry for struggling. Sorry for being here in this bed. Sorry for crying on you. Sorry for wasting your time. My entire sense of self had been ripped to pieces.
And today…its still kind of in tatters. I have pushed harder to complete my meals and still continue to fail. Part of me (probably the Anorexic part) is screaming at me that they keep increasing the half portions at every meal. That they are lying. I have no reason to question their integrity most of the time but when it comes to this I want to call them out on it but I know that it is a useless exercise. They will say that it’s half and no amount of questioning will make them take something off my plate. I know the score so I’m just trying to roll with it. I keep telling myself that this is what it is and that is all. I sound way more zen than I actually feel. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the dietician here and they will be beginning to increase my portions to full. Each day, one meal or snack will be changed. Waiting to be ready for it is not an option because I don’t think many people are ever really ready for it. I hate it all but I don’t want to leave as such. I don’t want to blow this shot at recovery. Can you hate and want to stay at the same time? I also had my first chat with the occupational therapist and it was strange trying to describe my life to her…how full it was but that I can’t really see me giving anything up. I don’t have a middle ground but somehow I am going to have to find it. They keep asking when things started to change and get worse for me but it’s still unclear to me. It happened gradually and I am beginning to see that it had been happening for a while but I had been refusing to acknowledge the full extent of it because it didn’t seem important enough. I put my recovery last and let all of the other life’s demands distract me instead. When I spoke to my friend about it the other day she said she knew about a year and half ago, when she had tried to cook me dinner and even though it was the safest thing she could think to make I still couldn’t find it in me to be ok with eating it. Maybe it doesn’t matter how I ended up back here, only that I did and now I need to fix it. That’s all I can do because not doing so is not an option for me. I won’t live with Anorexia. I won’t be that 60 year patient who sits regretting the last 40 years of their life.
In truth guys I don’t know where I am at. Everything keeps shifting and changing in me. One minute I am prepared to fight and then the next not so much. I want it but I’m afraid of it. I need it but the Anorexia tells me I need it. I want to weight restore and be healthy but I also want to disappear. I’m just a walking contradiction at the moment. It’s not about day by day anymore, it’s minute by minute.
I hope your day has been good to you.