I cannot believe how much I have been letting my own mind get in my way this week. I thought it was stronger, that above everything else I would have the determination to face it head on and not back down. Yet that it is what I have been doing at every challenge that I have been faced with.
This is not who I am. This is not what I am about.
Each day I reach this point where I begin to feel uncomfortable and instead of dealing with that and accepting it, I have been running. Heading in a direction that only continues to hurt me more. I still haven’t learnt to use my words. I feel so weak and that I am letting everyone down. Mostly I am letting myself down and although there was a time when that wouldn’t have bothered me, now…it does. I think I am beginning to see things differently in terms of my self-worth. For most of my life I have thought very little of my value in life. I was an extra that at any point could be removed without causing too great a pain or trouble to anyone else. I was never prepared to fight for me. Then I was forced to live but eventually I started to be the main champion for my own survival. I sat through some of the most horrendous emotions I could imagine. I stayed when I wanted to leave. I fought when I was so tired that I ached right down to my bones. I worked so hard at keeping alive. Now, I wonder what if I did give in to Anorexia, what if I let myself continue down this road and it finally took my life from me? All that I went through, all those nights when I kept myself safe even when I didn’t want to…well somehow they would have been for nothing. Getting to the age that I am now seemed inconceivable once, yet here I am and I have things in my life that are important to me. Things that make me want to carry on breathing. Why did I spend so much energy building those things up, only to let them by undone because I am afraid and tired? It makes no sense. I think though that if I can make one inconceivable thing happen in my lifetime, if I can fight that hard just to stay alive, then I sure as hell make another thing happen.
I suppose that all this really though is coming from this morning’s weigh in. It feels like it has been the kick up the butt I’ve needed to make me question what I have been doing since I’ve arrived. When I stepped on those scales this morning and saw the loss, it surprised me how much it hurt. I came here with a sure sense of commitment. unfortunately that has wavered and somehow I have to find the power to find it again. It is there somewhere inside of me. I know it is and I just hope that I find it before I destroy everybody’s faith in me.
I hope your day is kind to you.