Inpatient is definitely harder than I remember. Admittedly I can’t remember much of the first time round but I do remember the horrible reality of sitting down in front of each meal and being so overcome with anxiety and fear that I can’t keep it in my head that eating is what I have to do if I want to get better. At the moment I get through a few bites and something inside of me just slams down. The voices grow louder and although I am trying to ignore them as much as possible, in the end they seem to be winning. I’m wondering what it will take for me to leap this mental shutting down and just finish the food that is in front of me. It’s not for a lack of motivation. I bombard myself daily with an extensive list of all the reasons that I have to recover for:
– Peace of Mind
That should be enough. It is enough. Somehow though the Eating Disorder still seems to think it holds a place above all these. Does it not understand yet that I hate it more than I’ve ever hated anything in my life?
I’m trying to talk to the staff about what’s going on for me. What is helpful in terms of what they can do. Yet I’m still finding it difficult to show my emotions. Ultimately I am exhausted…but I think I have been for a long time. It is tiring maintaining Anorexia when you are trying to live a full-time life as well and when you do finally stop to challenge it, that too is exhausting because the stillness enforced is difficult and all the things that you have avoided can no longer be outran.
It’s now day 4 and I have had enough time to settle into the environment. It’s time to get serious about completing my meals otherwise I won’t move forward. I will also now be allowed to attend groups as my 72 hours us up which means that my days are going to be a little more engaging rather than me simply being restless in my room. This will probably be a good thing.
I hope your day treats you well.