This week has happened fast and I can’t say I’m such a big fan. I don’t feel prepared to be going in to treatment on Tuesday. I’m not ready for it, I’m not ready to gain weight when the drive to lose it is starting to sky-rocket. I am trying not to let it have an impact on my actual intake and my weight is holding but for the first time in a while, I am hating that it is holding. I know that letting it go down would achieve nothing, that it would actually make the climb back a little bit longer and I do have to climb back…but still. Anorexia wants what it wants and all I can do is not give in to it this time. I wonder when it was that me and it split and instead of working together, we went head to head, each side willing to do anything to take out the other? Can I be sad about that? I wish I could say that I always knew that it would come down to this, that the lines would be drawn and that co-existence would never be enough. I didn’t though. I have spent years living with the Eating Disorder and up until a couple of years ago I thought that somehow we would manage together for the rest of my life. I needed it, it needed me…in essence we were inextricably linked. I didn’t know that a world without would be possible, I’m not even sure that I wanted to know that world. When the concept of recovery first got introduced to me, there was this moment that I wanted to laugh. It seemed such a ridiculous concept and in a way I was protective of the Anorexia. The idea that I wanted it gone wasn’t something that I could think about…it’s not that I wanted it, it was just that I didn’t think I was capable of being a person without it. The possibility of not having it around to talk me off the ledge was unthinkable because at that point it hadn’t driven me on to the ledge yet. That would come later and when it did come, I was pretty stunned to have been so blind to it in the first place. I think what I felt when that happened was mostly betrayed. Here was this thing that I had invested all of my time and energy into, something that I had given everything up for and yet it had driven me to such a dark place. I couldn’t make that make sense and instead of using that as fuel to walk away, it became the thing that fuelled my further descent into the disorder. It wasn’t until I was truly mad at the Anorexia that it really showed how much it could crush me and my spirit.
I can’t say Goodbye to Anorexia just yet. I am not under the illusion this time that I will walk through those doors on Tuesday and then that will be it…it will fade out. If anything, I am about to wake up a beast that has mildly been making the last months sufferable at best. I want to be ready to fight and most of the time I am sure I am, but when I am tired and my defences are down I begin to question it. I don’t think that I’ve ever given my chance to fully miss the Anorexia because I’ve never really let go it. I’ve never firmly shut the door to it but I know that this time that I’m going to have to otherwise another year or 5 will pass and I will still be here with the same thoughts. Now that is a terribly sad thought.
The people in my world want me to get better. I want me to get better. So even though I may not feel ready for it and as though I don’t want Tuesday to arrive, I hope that when it does then I can remember every good thing about my life and what makes me want to fight so I can live it. My friends reminded me today that I am loved and that above all else they want me to stop being in pain. I think that if the day comes when I can no longer convince myself to carry on for myself, then I have to carry on for them. It feels like I am doing a lot of convincing other people that all this is going to be ok. That this admission will be fine and have a positive outcome. I really hope I’m not talking rubbish. I really hope that I am not just filled with empty words all over again. If anything else, at the very least, it’s keeping my anxiety levels in check. That’s enough right now for me. I’m ok.
There is the potential for such a good life.
I also know that this piece is a little bit all over the place in terms of thoughts but it’s partly because it’s been written over the course of the day rather than all at once. Accept my apology?
I hope your day has been good to you.