Apologies for last nights little…thing. I guess sometimes I think about things and it starts to make me panic. I get overwhelmed with the intensity of how much I can feel and what I’m thinking that I don’t know what to do with it or myself. It’s strange that I am having such varied experiences right now. On the one side there are those emotions of despair but then there are times where I feel hollowed out. I actually went to the book store today to find something that would connect with me. Make me feel something for something outside of myself, you know? Hopefully this plan will work and the two books that I’ve bought will at the very least stir up an emotional response. Most of the time that’s all I want, to be able to respond to books, films, situations the same as anybody else. I don’t think that that’s a terrible thing to want.
The busier days are a blessing right now though…and my team are being amazing with me. I talked to my manager today about being afraid that I will be forgotten and basically she told me to stop being so stupid. That would be an impossible thing to do. I am not a replaceable person and I have to remember that. We all have to remember that (which I know is hard when your self-esteem has fallen through the floor)! I don’t want to make this post about it being World Suicide Prevention Day because I think there are plenty of things out there right now that are having those in-depth thoughts. I have to acknowledge it though because it is a very scary and real experience that people go through. Suicide ideation and attempted suicides have been a part of my life for a very long time and I wouldn’t wish that place on anyone. Unfortunately Eating Disorders and Suicide are not separate either. I think many of us who have struggled or are struggling, know that feeling of being in such a hopeless state that suicide seems like the only way out. Hell, I even thought it this morning. But guys, we have to remember that if we remove ourselves from life, we take away the chance of it being able to get better. To live in this world and be able to smile and want to be present is a wonderful thing, and more than anything I hope that if you are struggling you get some help so that you can come to know that this world is not always all bad.
You are worth fighting for. You are enough.
I hope your day has been kind to you.