I am going to pre-warn you that this post may be a little bit of a rant.
I can’t stop crying. It hurts right down to my soul and I don’t know how to make it stop. I spend all day putting on this act as though I am completely fine with how everything is. I make jokes and laugh it off and answer all the questions that people have to ask me about treatment. I am treating my life like an open book because of the job I do and I’m not supposed to be ashamed; I’m not ashamed of going into hospital but I just want some fucking privacy. I wish I’d never have said anything to anyone but how else was I going to explain a random absence. They think this is going to be a walk in the park. Go some place and eat your meals and everything else remains untouched. I’ll still be me, still be able to work and function and pretend that it’s not tearing me into pieces. But why would they think this would be hard? I’ve never told them what treatment does to you because I don’t think I want to admit it to myself just yet. Everything is going to stop and all the work that I have done just…Gets taken over by someone else. I am going to fall out of the loop and eventually be forgotten. My baby of a project which I started last year has being picked up by the local news channels and they want to run a piece on it. I’m going to have to watch other people take it over and talk about it. Of course I’m happy that it’s a success of a project but it’s the one thing I have been proud of and just as it’s all starting to be implemented and the actual interesting bits begin, I have to let it go. And there are so many other things happening with work…and I just sat in my meeting tonight and saw everything unravelling for me. I am the person that never says no and tonight that was all I could do. Also my social media feeds have all been filled with everyone going back to Uni. I am jealous and angry and I have no one to blame but myself…
I’m sure I have more to say and moan about but to be honest I wouldn’t want to bore you because it bores the bloody hell out of me.
I hope your day has been good to you.