Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

Stillness

I have this feeling like I’m pissing everyone off lately. I can feel the collective weight of their disappointment in me and I am trying this week to fit everything in that I can to make up for it. I am rearranging my diary constantly and starting from tomorrow afternoon, I don’t think there is a spare moment for 7 days. In a way I prefer it but I worry that with so many things to do, that I will forget something. Part of me just wants to say screw energy levels and listening to what my body is capable of. I want to just go for it and as horrible as this sounds, I think I have developed bit of an attitude of…well what does it matter? I might as well screw the consequences and get what I need to get done, done whilst I still can. Is that such a terrible thought? But as always I prefer it. I am so afraid of stopping right now, of the empty time that exists and is coming my way. I can’t even spend the day in my own house right now with not having anything constructive to do because I drive myself up the walls. For the last two days I’ve ended up driving over to my parents house just so I didn’t start breaking things in my restlessness. I’m not sure I’m going to cope when I can’t just escape. Enforced rest. Limited activity. Stillness. It’s going to be hard. I feel angsty just thinking about it.

How do you go from a hundred miles an hour to zero?
Who am I if I’m not doing everything that I have to do?

Unintentionally I think I’ve altered my identity and shaped it into this image that is dependent on what everyone else needs me to be. Why can’t I figure out who I am without all of that?

I hope your day has been good to you.

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