I like to think that I am not a person that gets triggered…at all. I try to convince myself that I am above all that, that others people thoughts and behaviours don’t matter to me. They are going to do and be what they’re going to be and I’m going to do my own thing. Sometimes though that’s a little bit of a lie. I hear numbers and I’m triggered as I work out the difference between them and me. I see girls with these tiny little figures and despair because my own body feels too excessive. It doesn’t matter that these people are just girls who are only beginning to reach adulthood. How do I compare my mid-twenty body with a 17-year-old and think that’s a fair thing to do? When I hear another persons intake, exercise regiment or BMI, I want to implode because I can’t help but feel like I am worth less. My rational side tells me that I am being ridiculous, that none of this is important and does not determine how good or kind of a person I am but then there is Anorexia and it’s voice yelling at me. I tell myself I’m done with it, but I don’t think it’s done with me. I don’t know if it ever will be.
Body Image is such a tricky subject because it’s not based on anything that is logical, it’s all to do with emotion. Take for example today, it has been such a struggle to figure out how I even do the most basic of tasks because all I can hear is the thought “I am too fat. I am uncomfortable. I am hideous”. It’s distracting at best. I found myself wanting to hide because I thought that everyone would make a judgement on me. They would see me for the fraud that I am. Yet I know that it’s not right because even though the image was worse today then last week, the number on the scale doesn’t reflect that. I imagine it will probably be different again tomorrow. As much as my mind tries to convince me that it is possible for my body to inflate and deflate by whole dress sizes in the space of an hour or a night, I know that it’s not. Not really. I still find it bizarre that I cannot trust my own eyes or judgement. Hopefully the intensity of this feeling will pass pretty soon but it reminds me of how far I have to go. I need to be at a place where when I experience these things but I don’t let it alter my actions. Ultimately where I don’t take my body image issues out on my food.
Wouldn’t it be lovely to wake up one day and like what you see in the mirror? Or even, not liking it but still eating whatever the hell you wanted anyway because you simply don’t care. That would be nice.
I hope your day has been kind to you.