My heads a little conflicted right now. Not about choosing recovery or anything…more to do with trying to figure out how I please everybody else and yet still get the treatment that I need. I am beginning think that maybe those two things together are not quite possible though. On one side I have my treatment team telling me that it’s good that I have the entire year to really work on my recovery, to not have to rush back to anything like Uni. They also know how much of a mental commitment that it’s going to take. They think I’m stopping everything for the next few months but I’m not. On the other side I have my Mother who can’t quite get her head round the length of my admission or see why that would even be neccessary . Me not being in action is going to be more of a hassle for her. I also have my manager who has a bit of an issue with me going in. She can recognise that I need to do this but the reality of me missing so much work and not being able to do my job and events is not making her particularly happy. Today she told me that she didn’t think I’d be in for the estimated time, that it won’t take that long. I told her it would and that estimation is only based on me being the perfect patient and meeting the weight gain requirements every week. This stunned her a little and then started but you can’t be in that long, there is the new project to do and this other thing to do…I already feel like I’m going to drop off the face of the earth and be forgotten, what if I am replaceable? What if I come back and there is no space left for me in my life? I am letting a lot of people down and I’m not ok with that. Yet until I fully recover from this then that’s all I am going to spend the rest of my life doing, letting people down.
Some good news is that I finally told my little brother about the admission. I had been really worried about his reaction, that he’d be angry or upset but he was actually excited. The idea that I am going to be able to eat the things that everybody else does and have the energy to run around with him and spar, yea…it just made him happy. I was not expecting it. So that part does make things better, knowing that he’s going to be ok and is ok with it was an important issue for me. I have to make myself remember that when I want to give up. I want to have the energy to be the big sister I used to be. That’s pretty good motivation, isn’t it?
I’m just trying to get by at the moment. I have become very matter of fact about things and I’m attempting to be accepting of that. My emotions are a little off and I spend a lot of my time either working or not really present but it’s ok…I can deal with that.
I hope your day has been good to you