Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

Am I letting them down?

My heads a little conflicted right now. Not about choosing recovery or anything…more to do with trying to figure out how I please everybody else and yet still get the treatment that I need. I am beginning think that maybe those two things together are not quite possible though. On one side I have my treatment team telling me that it’s good that I have the entire year to really work on my recovery, to not have to rush back to anything like Uni. They also know how much of a mental commitment that it’s going to take. They think I’m stopping everything for the next few months but I’m not. On the other side I have my Mother who can’t quite get her head round the length of my admission or see why that would even be neccessary . Me not being in action is going to be more of a hassle for her. I also have my manager who has a bit of an issue with me going in. She can recognise that I need to do this but the reality of me missing so much work and not being able to do my job and events is not making her particularly happy. Today she told me that she didn’t think I’d be in for the estimated time, that it won’t take that long. I told her it would and that estimation is only based on me being the perfect patient and meeting the weight gain requirements every week. This stunned her a little and then started but you can’t be in that long, there is the new project to do and this other thing to do…I already feel like I’m going to drop off the face of the earth and be forgotten, what if I am replaceable? What if I come back and there is no space left for me in my life? I am letting a lot of people down and I’m not ok with that. Yet until I fully recover from this then that’s all I am going to spend the rest of my life doing, letting people down.

Some good news is that I finally told my little brother about the admission. I had been really worried about his reaction, that he’d be angry or upset but he was actually excited. The idea that I am going to be able to eat the things that everybody else does and have the energy to run around with him and spar, yea…it just made him happy. I was not expecting it. So that part does make things better, knowing that he’s going to be ok and is ok with it was an important issue for me. I have to make myself remember that when I want to give up. I want to have the energy to be the big sister I used to be. That’s pretty good motivation, isn’t it?

I’m just trying to get by at the moment. I have become very matter of fact about things and I’m attempting to be accepting of that. My emotions are a little off and I spend a lot of my time either working or not really present but it’s ok…I can deal with that.

I hope your day has been good to you

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8 thoughts on “Am I letting them down?

  1. I think one of the hardest lessons I have learnt in life is that you cant please everyone. I think when it comes to recovery and accessing treatment you should do what you believe it right for you (and not the eating disorder you the real you). Everyone is always going to have an opinion revolving around everything you do , but it is important to look after yourself , and put yourself first (which is so hard , I know). Your work will be there when your back and if your boss is unable to keep your position open as hard as that would be there will other jobs , but you only have one life. I think those who don’t have an eating disorder don’t understand how emotionally and physically tiring it is when your inpatient your not only challenging your eating disorder and its belief system but your body is also physically repairing itself which is also tiring. Try not and let everyone’s opinion be a deciding factor for your treatment but decide what you think is best for you because ultimately your the one who is going to have to live the rest of your life with the thoughts and if it means checking out for a couple of months to receive treatment and be able to come back stronger and commit to life and the voice have lessoned so its manageable it would be worth it. Good luck with everything , I hope your family and work accepts whatever you decide to do and support whatever action you take.

    1. Thank you. You’re absolutely right and I am trying hard to focus on what’s going to be right for me however long that takes. I appreciate you helping me put things in to perspective.

  2. Screw those people who it inconveniences. You need to get better, and you need to do it for YOU. Im so proud of you, even though I dont know you. Its such a brave step going into residential treatment, but its one worth taking in order to get your life back. How long are you going for? The hospital I was at wanted me to stay for 2 years! (I stayed 8 months, then had enough)

    1. Thank you πŸ™‚ I know that I have to do it for myself because it’s me that has to be able to live with myself afterwards. I’ll be in for about 5 months, they try to keep the admissions as short as they can without compromising on the care.

  3. Good luck with your treatment! Just TRUST yourself and know that you’re on the right track, you’re helping others and helping yourself. Some may not get it now and really, they may not get it later but all that matters is that YOU do. Ultimately, your loved ones want to for you to recover and you’re working towards doing so. Everything will fall into place but I think you already know that. Stay strong ❀

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