It’s time to start owning our recoveries again. I am watching so many people struggle, watching myself being undone by this horrible disorder and I for one have had enough of it. Is this the way we want to go down? Are we really ready to write off our lives and let it win? It’s exhausting and I am not going to pretend that it is anything else. It wears you down, strips you of every hope you may have had and any dream that you dared to believe and leaves you this empty shell of a person. It breaks you and then you are there at that moment when you are compelled to get down on your knees and pray to some God to just end your life once and for all. Isn’t that heartbreaking? That we can hate ourselves so much, be so tormented that death seems like the better option.
We have to try and fight…and when that fails, we try again and we keep repeating that process until the disorder begins to realise that we’re serious in our war against it. That no matter how many times it comes at us, we are still going to keep going. At some point it has to get tired right? It has to loosen its hold! That’s my thinking at least. I am tired of giving in and I’m tired of being tired.
Do you remember when it was like when things still had potential? Sure things might have been a little bit messed up but we still thought that it was going to get better. For me, I thought that once I reached adulthood then it would all begin to make a little bit of sense. I’d wake up and be sure of myself, know how to fix everything because that’s what adults do when you’re a kid. They make it all alright. Didn’t realise that that is all just a myth and that I would be just as lost as a grown up as what I was when I was 11. But the point I am making is that somehow we have to recapture that potential. We have to tap into those desires once held for a future that was whole and filled with possibilities. For one second imagine what it would be like to wake up and not hurt, to get dressed without wanting to break the mirrors, to have breakfast whilst watching the news and be able to absorb the news rather than counting the numbers of every mouthful of cereal you’re eating and despising the fact that it’s even happening. Imagine not having that voice.
Recovery can be ours…but it’s going to be ridiculously hard and take time. You have to be patient yourself. You have to pick yourself up after every bad day and decide that you are going to move forward because it’s the only way to stop the bad days from reoccurring. I believe in you. I believe in me. This doesn’t have to continue be present. Anorexia, Bulimia, whatever your Eating Disorder is, it can bugger off. You are powerful and capable. You have survived up until this point. That in itself is amazing!!! Think of everything you have been through, every moment that has led you here and see that at any point you could have walked away…but you didn’t.
I am asking you to believe in yourself. There is life afterwards and I am going to go search for it. I hope you do too.
I also hope your day has been kind to you.