Sometimes I find living alone with Anorexia to be quite a frightening experience. So many things can go wrong or happen and there is no one else around to catch you if your body begins to fail. Every time my heart beats that extra beat or the shortness of breath becomes a little too intense I start to wonder if this is the moment…is this the point in which my story ends. I think it’s mostly a good thing to be aware of the pressure that this disorder can put your body under but at times I wonder if too much knowledge starts to be a bad thing. It doesn’t just end there though because even if it isn’t a sign of organ failure, the anxiety starts to kick in and that in itself can mimic all sorts of symptoms. I really am looking forward to the day when I don’t have to second guess every ache or stab of pain. I’ve noticed it more as I’ve got older as well. When I was younger there was this belief – which to some extent was ignorance – that I was invincible. I thought that I could put my body through anything and it would just keep going. I would hurl days upon days of twisted abuse upon it, pushing it to extremes and mostly it would cope. Now just getting through a normal day stretches me. I have no idea what it is to feel normal anymore and so then that worries me that all these physical sensations that I experience most of the time are actually an indicator of something more sinister.
Don’t get me wrong, I love living alone. It is the space in which I feel most comfortable but I would be foolish to not be a scared. You can only live with an Eating Disorder for so long before it wins because that’s the reality of the situation…you may think that you have it under control, that nothing bad will happen to you or it’s just not that bad and you can spend the rest of your life living with it perfectly well but it’s a lie. Sooner or later there will come a day when it will wipe you out. None of us are invincible and anyone who wants to believe that it won’t happen to them are deluding themselves. But…I did not come on here to vent about the seriousness of an Eating Disorder today. I just need to process the head space that I’m in. I could take it two ways, the first is that the situation is hopeless and therefore what’s the point of trying anymore or I could take it in the direction that the further down this disorder pushes me, the more lows that I hit then all that is just further motivation to get better. I will be taking the latter path.
So yes…I am afraid of my body tonight and constantly praying that it doesn’t give up on me before I get the help that’s coming in a couple of weeks. I also officially withdrew from University today for next year and that’s kind of devastated me a little. Although talking to my parents about it has made me realise that it is not the end of the world, purely because I’ve had to convince them that it’s not. One of my biggest concerns since being accepted and starting my course was having to leave because of a relapse. I thought I had enough of my shit together to stop that from happening. Clearly I didn’t but you know what, at the moment it doesn’t feel like it’s going to cause the world to stop spinning which to be honest I genuinely thought it would. I’m just trying to keep telling myself that I have lived through worse and made it out the other side so I can do it again.
I will clear up this mess that I’ve made one way or another and I will get my life back from Anorexia.
I hope your day has been kind to you.