I’ve been making lists in my head.
Ones that I am getting excited about to be honest and whenever I struggle or come up against a situation that it is difficult I add that to my list. It seems to be working or at least minimising my anxiety and fear over what the future is going to bring.
Take for example yesterday. It was my Sisters partners birthday and we all went out for a family lunch. We weren’t going to the easiest of places and before hand I had looked online at the menus so that when it came to ordering I was feeling at least a little prepared. I narrowed my choices down to one thing that I could realistically eat and so that’s what I ordered. It wasn’t very good. The whole situation was not very good. I haven’t really eaten with anybody in a while and the times that I have done it has been a meal that I have packed in advance. This was far out of my comfort zone, just because I didn’t trust that the restaurant wouldn’t add anything unsafe to my meal or that the plates may have still have had residue left on them from other meals and somehow that would find its way into my system (lets remember here that Anorexia is not a logical disorder). Halfway through or the end depending on who you asked, the waitress came and cleared all the plates from the table and I was still trying to get my way through mine. There was just me left and you know what it’s like…suddenly the pressure to finish. I backed down, pushed my plate away and tried to be very casual about it. I guess what pissed me off was that once again I was supposed to be enjoying a family afternoon out and I couldn’t. I couldn’t order what the hell I wanted from the menu and I couldn’t be present mentally.
So, in light of that being able to have meals out was added to the list.
Some of the other things that are one the list are:
– Going back to Uni and being able to concentrate fully
– Going to work and doing what I want to do without worrying about my energy levels
– Energy! To run, to rock climb, to go to those self-defence classes I want to take, to hike in beautiful places.
– Sleeping better
– Not hurting
– Not getting breathless
– Having a conversation that has nothing to do with Eating Disorders
– Falling in love
– Having children
– Not being dictated to what I can and can’t do by meal times
– Eating every food that I have wanted to eat for the last however many years and not being afraid of it
– Not worrying about a random heart attack
– Girls night outs
– Meals out with friends and family
I think you get the picture. There are so many things I want now and there is the chance that I might get them. I am going to try and stop getting myself worked up about the weight that I am going into treatment with. After a loss on the scales the other day, all it made me see was that it didn’t make me feel better and it was just further back up that I have to climb. Obviously it’s easier said then done because you start to play these games in your head…”You didn’t have that yesterday so therefore you don’t need it today and while you’re at it, lets see what else you don’t need.” It’s a dangerous thing to do. I am trying not to compare the place that I am at now with where I was two years ago when I first went in. A lot has changed in that time. I have changed! I am not this constantly angry person who is so far in denial that they genuinely believe they are invincible. I knew about Eating Disorders then but I don’t think you ever know what they are like until you begin the process of letting it go. Recovery has taught me more in the last couple of years than the 14 years of struggling did.
It’s been a while but I think what I am feeling is hesitantly excited about recovery. I kind of like that.
I hope your day has been good to you.