I have a date for admission.
It’s in just over 2 weeks and honestly I haven’t quite processed it yet. There was this moment today when I was sat in my appointment and my therapist asked me if this was what I still wanted. I almost said no. I’ve changed my mind…maybe I can make this work without going in. But after it was over and reality sunk back in, there isn’t the option to change my mind anymore. I’m not going to let it be an option because I need to get better now. This is how I begin to get well. I am tired of just trying to manage, I mean imagine what it would be like to just live, can you? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be horribly normal and in that find that life is something extraordinary?
However up until this point I hadn’t realised how unsupportive my Dad was going to be. I don’t really talk about my Dad much because more often than not there isn’t really anything to say. Throughout my entire life he has been this person who has just been on the side lines, present but not really. When we were kids he was always working (still is) and all we saw him as was someone who put all these restrictions on us. Part of it was religious or cultural, part of it was that he just isn’t very good at connecting with other people. You can’t have a conversation with him, he doesn’t understand emotion or mental health and has a very dated view in that it is just a case of pulling yourself together and getting on. When I reached adulthood I stopped doubting his love, because I knew he did love me but he isn’t capable of expressing that in a way that’s obvious. Instead of saying those words, he made sure that he was there for the practical stuff. So if I was unwell in the night, he would come and pick me up or when I moved in to a really rough area he changed companies (he’s a taxi driver) to one that covered the same part of town. If the car breaks down, he’ll come and sort it out or I need something fixing in the house…I think you get the point. We don’t talk and if I get more than 3 sentences at the same time, I consider that to be a quite a substantial chat. I hadn’t talked to him about going back into treatment because as with most things my Mother usually tells him what’s going on, but tonight I called him to arrange him coming to drill some holes in to the walls for me and I mentioned that I had a date. His response was that I didn’t need to go back in. If I went back in then they would just force feed me and I had to force myself. I tried to tell him that I had been trying and I couldn’t do it but he didn’t hear that. Instead he told me to come and stay for a few days and he would force me to eat. Then he rattled off all the things that were wrong with my diet and the things that I should be eating. He won’t hear that this is more than me just giving myself a good talking to and getting on with it. He still thinks this is a diet that’s gotten out of hand and I can switch it off whenever I want. Sometimes I envy his simplistic view of it and I wish that it was true. We all know that it isn’t…I don’t need him to get it. I haven’t for a very long time but sometimes it hurts that he won’t be the Dad that I’ve always kind of needed. The kind that my Grandad was to me before he died. But I am loved by him and he stayed so that is enough.
I am feeling better than yesterday though, a little less defeated and diminished. I think it’s because I’ve been working all day after my appointment which was a very welcome distraction. That place I was in yesterday, letting my past get to me, well…it wasn’t ok. My life has happened the way that it has and that is the way it is. I can wish all I want and be sad but it’s not going to undo it. I am trying to move on because the more I let it creep into my present I’m just fuelling it. I waste more days, lose more time…and I’ve done enough that. Maybe I’ll always think how things could have been but that is partly human nature. Questioning what if? but I can’t let that be all that I am. I need to start thinking what I can be rather than what I could have been. I’m aware that it’s going to take some time.
I hope your day has been kind to you.