Things are feeling like they are in some kind of suspended state lately. I’m waiting…I guess for the day that things are better. For that day when I get up and it doesn’t feel like I’m being suffocated by something. It’s just the longer I wait, the more doubtful I become that that type of world even exists. I keep telling myself that once I am in possession of a healthy body then somehow things will start to come together. That the healing of my organs will mean a healing of the mind. There are days when I just want to limit recovery to that. I am so aware of the fact that Eating Disorders are not about weight and that the physical aspect of it is the smallest part of the path back to health; yet somehow that’s what I want to reduce it to. I want to believe that when I am weight restored then everything else will just fall into place. I think that’s what I’m hoping for but the real shitty part is that I know it’s wrong. I have not given much though to the emotional and mental side of recovery lately…but it’s catching up with me. There was this moment today when it clicked that my weight is going to go up. I am fighting with myself over the smallest .kg at the moment and the idea that I am going to be doing that continuously for a while and it won’t be just because of fluid or hormonal changes has suddenly sent fear running through me. I can’t specifically say why…the rational for why weight gain could scare me so much is beyond my understanding. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it. I’ve never been able to deal with it, that’s why I’ve stayed trapped for over a decade now.
Do you think it ever goes away? That sensation of just being so horribly uncomfortable that it makes you want to step out of your own skin. What if I can’t live in my body after all of this? What do I do? I feel so ugly at the moment and like I shouldn’t be out in public where people can see me. I was never ok with the weight gain last time, why do I think I would be ok with it this time?
Today is one of those days when just hating the disorder takes everything out of me. Nothing else can exist. Nothing else can hold my attention. All I have is this burning rage and despair at something that I can’t ever quite figure out. It’s always at least two steps ahead of me.
When will it leave?
I hope your day has been kind.