Sometimes sadness is limitless isn’t it?
They say it’s like a wave, how it washes over you and just when you think the worst of it has passed, just when you manage to catch your breath, it strikes again and you lose your balance. It’s relentless like that. I find that to be a true representation right now. Although I also think I have been sad for a long time and despite all my attempts to run from it or disguise it, it has always still been there. I once thought that the Anorexia was going to be this thing that could free me from the sadness, that somehow me being smaller would make the hurt smaller. I never knew how alive it would make it become instead. At some point I am going to have to figure out a way to exist with the things that are wrong but right now I have to acknowledge that I am probably not in a place where I am capable of doing that. It’s not safe enough. Just feeling it for a few hours this morning without anywhere to hide made me want to get in the car and leave. I wanted to get away from myself and the terrible things my mind was telling me. It was just downright horrible. In the end I pulled it together and went to my appointment at the unit. That in itself was hard. It meant being weighed and talking, neither of those things filled me with much optimism. However it was good to touch base with my therapist, talk about what’s going to happen, what’s been happening. I want to say that after today I am sure that I am making the right decision to go inpatient but I don’t think I ever will be until I am probably more to the end of the admission, when I reach that point where there is hope again. I know there can be a life after this but sometimes its really hard to remember that.
In the next few weeks I have quite a few things to do before I go. A bed won’t be available till the last week in September, so for now it’s just going to be about keeping myself safe and maintaining where I’m at. The most devastating thing that I found out today about all this is that I won’t be able to enrol this September. I am going to have to take the semester off and I know you all know how much I really didn’t want to do that, how much it scares me! But there is no other option. If I want to do treatment then this is the way it’s going to have to be. I feel like history has the potential to repeat itself though, that I will take time off and never get back there. I don’t want to lose this forever. It means too much to me and I’ve worked too hard. I need my degree.
It’s good though because I have something to work towards. There is a life that I will need to get back to and I hope that that will be enough to see me through the harder times that are going to be coming my way. This is one more interruption to my story but it is not the end.
I hope you are being good to yourselves today.