The hopelessness has lessened today and the relief is overwhelming. To just be able to think a little clearer has helped me to become more focused on what I want to achieve. I don’t know what has been the thing that has helped but I am not about to argue its existence. If hope wants to make a surprise visit then I’m not going to shut the door in its face. So whilst I have been like this I thought I would try to be pro-active, figure out some stuff or at least attempt to find out where everything is standing. My first port was to call the unit and speak to my therapist. I needed to have a conversation with her and I guess get some reassurance, basically what I wanted was for someone to tell me that I am not being ridiculous. Unfortunately she was not in the office today so…obviously that didn’t happen.
That was fine though.
I had some work to distract me with and when that failed I started to write an emergency letter to myself. The emergency letter is titled “Read me when you freak out and want to give up” and it pretty much contains what is said in the title. It’s something that I can turn to when I start to doubt myself, or things get too uncomfortable. It’s purpose will be for those moments when I think I want Anorexia more than I want life or health. The hope is that I’ll never need it but if I do then it is something that will steer back on the path that I am meant to be on and not the one created by fear and illness. I really recommend you guys having a go at writing one of these too because at the very least it might remind you of all the reasons why you’re choosing recovery. One of the things that I say to myself is that although I might be in pain during the recovery process, it is nothing compared to the pain that I feel daily. At least that pain will lead to outcome that may be positive. At least you won’t be laying awake all night trying to figure out which cramp is the sign that your body is going to fail. Which ache is the one that makes your heart fail. You see this is the thing, this disorder is one that has stakes which are ridiculously high. This isn’t some childish game in which the consequences are minor. Everyday that we engage in this and listen to that voice and then act on that voice, is another day in which we might not make the full 24 hours. That’s not being dramatic…that’s just realistic.
I think it’s important that we remember that and don’t let ourselves lose sight of it.
This evening, I got to do one of my favourite things in the world and that was laughing. It didn’t start off well but by the end of it, my face hurt from smiling. It’s moment like that where I am firstly ridiculously grateful for the people in my life who help make that happen but also entirely sure that recovery is the only decision I can make. I miss laughing too much to stay stuck. Yesterday I wanted to run myself so deep into the disorder so that I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I didn’t even want to feel anything positive. Today though, feeling a good thing, that’s worth it. 5 minutes of laughter is worth 3 days of sadness. So that’s another thing I really recommend…Laughing!
It really helps.
I hope you have had a day that was good to you.