The pressure that I feel under right now is getting to be a little too overwhelming and I can’t keep pretending to hold it together for the sake of everyone else. I have to still appear to me even though I don’t feel like me anymore. The people in my life keep asking me about treatment and on my behalf or because they’re scared they are getting frustrated about how things are not moving as quick as they’d like. I too have those frustrations but I cannot let those be shown because what’s it going to achieve? If I start freaking out about how little time it feels like I have left to fix this or how with each passing day I am living through a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions because I don’t know what’s going to happen, well it’s not going to help anyone is it? It’s not going to change it. But I don’t have it in me to keep up those appearance anymore of not really caring that much about it or that I am all zen and shit. I’m not. I spend every moment alone constantly running it through my mind. I talk non stop to myself in the car or cry randomly in the middle of the day and then I try to find a way to convince myself that I don’t actually need to go into treatment. I think I’m preparing myself for if it doesn’t happen…It’s not like I’m unwell or anything. I’m just struggling…but I’m fine.
I think I’m over thinking and it quite possibly could drive me completely insane before the Anorexia has the chance to do so.