There are so many things that I have learnt from this relapse (yep…I’m going there and admitting that this is what’s happening at the moment). I’ve learnt that an Eating Disorder is not at all endearing and it turns you in to a pretty useless friend. I’ve learnt that sitting at home on the couch is not preferable to meeting friends. I’ve learnt that restriction can pretty much destroy you internally very quickly. I’ve learnt that in recovery you wear rose-tinted glasses that make you forget what it feels like to be shaky, and breathless and curled up on the couch hoping that the damage that you have done is not going to finish you off. I’ve learnt above anything else that a lower number on the scale is not worth any of this.
As each day passes it’s getting harder to be alive. I find myself stricken with panic that I will either not survive this or I will. I am torn between wanting everything to end and being afraid that it will. Deep down though I know that I don’t want either of these outcomes. What I want is to be well and healthy. That is going to mean being at a higher weight but I think I’m ok with that. I think I have to be.
My CPN came to see me this morning and she wasn’t quiet about how not very well I look at the moment, and the thing is I can’t disagree with her. I’m in continual abdominal pain, can barely catch my breath most of the time and this headache makes it difficult to think. She asked me about IP and I told her that I think it’s the only option I have now. I’m accepting that now. Sure I still have this idea stuck in my head that my weight is too high to go in but that is something I’m just going to have to figure out how to get over. I gave her my permission to call the unit and start things moving on that. It should have been a simple thing but she left several messages and by the end of the day no calls had been returned. So I am still in limbo. Still waiting to hear if this admission is going to happen and when it will happen. I just have to be patient but I have this feeling that time is beginning to run out and I’ll be honest that that scares me a little. I’m afraid of my pattern.
You see I have this thing where there is a small window of opportunity where I am very compliant and prepared to work really hard to fight whatever it is that is trying to destroy me. However if I don’t start right in that window then I become defensive. I shut down…my brain just stops trying to engage and I retreat. I’m not sure if it’s the disorder that gets stronger or I just get tired but afterwards thinks go down hill very quickly from there. I stop caring. I take away my words. I isolate. I hide. I forget that there is life that is waiting for me to live. I am trying so hard to stop myself from going to that place but I feel it coming…
I am hoping that I hear some thing tomorrow. I need a plan because without one I feel like I’m just going to drift away. There are no roots to pull me back down. I just need to get through tonight. Things really have become a day by day process.
I hope you are being kind to yourself today.