My world has come to a bit of a standstill at the moment. I have no idea what is going on with me or with treatment and it’s beginning to feel like maybe the universe is trying to tell me that it’s not meant to be. It is also quite possible that that thinking could also be an excuse. I keep trying to remember what it would mean to recover and all I can see is the short-term. The pain, both physical and mental. The rules and structure that I will have to follow if I go into hospital. The day in and day out of being challenged and not getting a moment off from fighting the Anorexia. It makes me want to retreat and pretend that none of this is happening. I want to tell myself that I will wake up in the morning and something will click; that I will have that moment when it all falls into place and I make the vow to leave the eating disorder behind. I wake up and I’m better. Deep down though I know that that will never happen. This disorder has become too ingrained, taken up too much of my heart for it to just up and leave now. If I want recovery then I’m sure as hell going to be made to work for it. Yet all those things that I’m going to have to go through, in a way they already exist. I’m already in pain. I’m already caged in by the rules and structure of the Eating Disorder. Just living right now, in this body is a challenge. At least if I went to treatment then an end that isn’t death can exist. I’m not ready to die you know? There are still so many things that I haven’t done or seen or experienced.
Letting go of Anorexia will be terrifying. Forcing myself to do or feel things that I haven’t in such a long time will be overwhelming and yet there is a part of me that is looking forward to it. Can you imagine waking up in a morning and not hating yourself? Or doing the housework and not getting out of breath? Can you imagine meeting your friends and being present with them rather than living in this hazy parallel universe? There are so many things that you can’t do with an Eating Disorder. There are so many things that you have to struggle with which you shouldn’t. When you’re well you take for granted that your body works, in fact it works so well that you don’t even notice it. I miss that.
I’m hoping I hear from my nurse at the unit this week so that I can actually have a serious conversation about this. Everyone else assumes that I’m just going to go but we all know that treatment is never that simple. There is red tape and criteria, possibly waiting lists. I think now though I know that I need this to happen. I’m not going to get better on my own. I may have strength but I am not strong enough to do this. I have tried and I just can’t be my own everything anymore. I hate admitting that but the reality is that I hate the Eating Disorder even more…the pride is just going to have to take a hit.