There have been so many moments this week in which I have left felt like I have reached the end of my ability to hold myself together anymore. I am suffering more than I thought I would ever do again. I am remembering how crappy it feels to crash.
On Wednesday it finally clicked that I was going to have to go back into treatment. I was at an event that I was supposed to be working but within half an hour I was not well enough to be there. In the space of about a second I watched my pride disappear – for not being able to manage – and realised that there isn’t going to be another outcome to this. I either go in or I lose. I felt unbelievably detached and cold inside and yet as soon as I said the words out loud to my boss that I can’t do this…I wanted to cry. I had wanted to will myself into getting better on my own but for some reason I couldn’t do that. My boss told me that it was fine but it was time. I had to go back so that I could come back. I left and got in my car and rang the unit. This is where my plan kind of fell apart. My therapist was not in her office so I left a message for her to call me back. Then I went home and gradually began to feel worse , so I called my GP. When I spoke to him he was kind of worried and booked in for me to see him the next day. I kind of had to make a call then which was to either stay at home or go to my parents house so at least there was someone around if anything went wrong during the night. I’m sure you’ve had those days or nights where you begin to feel rather concerned that you might not make it till morning. I went to my parents and whilst I was there I got a call from the unit to say that my therapist is away due to illness and therefore would not be able to attend my Friday appointment. Now…don’t get me wrong, it’s crappy for her that she’s ill. I am sympathetic and do realise that therapists are not machines, they are humans who are no different from anyone else…but really!!! Of all the days that I had to decide and get up the balls to call, it turns out she’s not even in. I had to start wondering if the universe was trying to tell me something.
Obviously since Wednesday I have changed my minds probably over a thousand times. I have questioned my decisions and doubted the opinions of all those close to me who have said that I need this. I have talked myself into it and then out of it. But it always comes back to the same thing…I don’t want to hurt anymore. I shouldn’t be cancelling my days because I don’t have the energy to put one foot in front of the other. I want to be able to just feel like a human being again. I would love to just not notice my body anymore. Do you know what I mean? You don’t have to think about it and it doesn’t take effort to live and breathe.
I did go and see the doctor yesterday as well though and he promptly took some bloods to check out everything there as well as checking to make sure that I’m not deficient in Vitamin B as that might explain the whole leg tingling and numbness thing that’s been going on for a while. He is such a nice man and it astounds me every time I see him how compassionate and kind a person can be no matter how frustrating the patient might be. He told me that if I need to come in and see him everyday until my nurse gets back and they can organise IP then that would be completely ok to do. Of course I would never do that but the gesture is always nice isn’t it?
At the moment then I am in this head space where I am feeling restored after a good long talk with one of the best friends this afternoon and pretty sure that when it comes to next week and my therapist is back (hopefully) then I am going to tell her that I need to come in for a while. Not long a stay just enough to get things more balanced. In truth I keep thinking of that end line…not recovery as such but just feeling physically stronger again. I am kind of excited about that possibility. If I go…the possibilities open up again. That has to be a good thing.
I hope your day has been good to you.