I nearly called the unit today to say that I needed to go in.
I sat in the car park of another hospital where I was having a work meeting and it hit me how much I can’t do this anymore. I am tired of trying to hold myself together in the hope that one day I will wake up and get a break from it. I won’t. This will not end until I get out of my own way and recover. Still, I couldn’t do it. I kept thinking – I’m seeing her on Friday, that I was hurting and desperate and that was why there was this sudden need to call but ultimately I could wait. I didn’t want to bother her. I also think apart of me is expecting that if I just give myself a few more days then I’ll make some kind of progress which will mean that I don’t actually have to go back into treatment. I’ll figure out how to do this on my own. Maybe it’s true…or maybe it’s just the Anorexia feeling threatened. I probably spent more time being distracted today by my own thoughts rather than concentrating on what was going on around me. I am becoming very self involved and narrow-minded again. I really don’t like being that person, it’s a complete conflict with my true nature. My soul is not happy.
One of the things that kept coming back today was a statement or compliment that was given to me a few months after I first came out of treatment by my community consultant psychiatrist. It was the first time she’s seen me since before and she told me that the last time she’d seen me it looked like it hurt me to talk. That I didn’t have the energy required to string words together and just the very act of thinking looked like it pained me. She was afraid to talk to me. When I got out I wasn’t like that anymore. I could chat away, hold my own, think…I could process information and I certainly didn’t find speaking the more unappealing, energy draining thing in the world.
I worry how most of the time now I choose to be silent because it is easier than figuring out how to talk. Just the mechanism of it seems so draining at times. This isn’t good considering that I do a lot of public speaking for work stuff!
See that’s what confuses me most about Anorexia, how even now when I can see that it has never once brought me any form of happiness it still refuses to relent its hold. There has not been one positive that has come out of my struggle. Not one thing I can point to and say “That!!! That right there is why I keep coming back.” This illness is truly an illness about loss…not just in the physical bodily sense, but in the loss of everything you were and hoped to be. What else am I going to let myself lose?
I hope your day has been good to you.