I am becoming very aware that the people in my life are not going to let me go down quietly this time. They aren’t prepared to sit back and not intervene. In all honesty I don’t know how I feel about that. I want to be relieved that I’m not crashing and burning alone, only I still feel alone. Another part of me wants to push them all away, stop talking or run away completely, anything so I don’t have to confront the reality of the situation out loud. I think the major thing that’s going on right now though is fear. I am afraid that I may lose my freedom again. I am afraid that I won’t survive. I’m afraid that I will survive. I’m afraid to try to get better and yet I am afraid of the possibility of living my life with Anorexia. I had a chat with my Mum yesterday, or rather she talked at me and I nodded in the right places and listened. She is worried about how I look…I didn’t know what to say to that. I can’t make her understand that whenever I look at myself I still see someone who is too much, who has weight to lose and so trusting my eyes is probably not the best thing for me to do at this moment in time. It came down to her telling me that I need to go back in to Inpatient. I said we’re not there but she disagreed. I hate what I am continuing to put my family through but it isn’t enough to make me stop. I don’t know what will be anymore.
I also had a meeting with my CPN yesterday and an appointment with my therapist at the unit today. My CPN also thinks I need to consider going back because of the way that I am now, not so much physically but mentally too. I have been feeling really low and mostly it is because I getting so tired of fighting this. I keep thinking that I am verging that path of not caring anymore what happens to me. That is such a dangerous place for me, or for anyone to be in. At the moment I still have the right to make the choices about what’s going to happen to me but she was pretty clear in saying that there will come a point when that is no longer the case anymore. Those words still send chills down my spine. I don’t want to go back to being in a position of having no say in what is happening to me. That is not a good place. I agreed to think and talk about the option of IP with my therapist today, which I did. It came up again and it started with her checking out that she was right in thinking that I’m not prepared to consider it right now because I don’t think it would be helpful. I could have left it there. Latched on to that excuse so I didn’t have to confront the truth of it…but I couldn’t. I said that I was afraid of going because I know what is expected of me, I know what the menus are and I just don’t think I can do it. She responded that I had done it before. I guess it somehow feels different this time. We went through the pro’s and con’s, what’s going on for me but everything feels really removed. I didn’t really have the energy to participate. Words and speaking too exhausting. Maybe that in itself tells me all that I need to know.
Anyway I left not feeling anything different. I don’t know what I expect from her. I don’t know what I expect from myself. I think I’m just frustrated that I can’t seem to do this on my own anymore. I know what I have to do but when it comes to it, it’s like everything that makes me, me…it disappears. Something’s going to give though, probably sooner rather than later and what scares me is that that doesn’t scare me quite so much anymore. How do you know when it’s the right time to go back into treatment? I can’t seem to get my head around the fact that I don’t feel like my weight is low enough to warrant a stay and I also don’t think I have the heart to do it again. I’d have to give up my life again for a while. I’d have to slow down and stop. The likelihood is then that I would have to take the first couple of months off of uni and I really don’t want to do that. I know my life is seemingly more important and that in the long run what is the use of a degree if I’m dead…but that degree is one of the only things that makes me feel alright about existing. I don’t have the time to delay it anymore because if I do that, it really concerns me that I’ll never get back to it.
There isn’t an easy answer to all this but I want there to be.
I hope your day has been ok for you.