Anorexia is heartless. When will we stop believing that it could ever be anything more than that? When will we stop expecting for it to be more? It never offered you a promise and it was never supposed to be a solution. Yet we made ourselves trust that it did and that it would. Can you see how little sense that makes? Starving yourself in the hope that it would take away the pain. The thing is…you can minimise yourself all you want and that hurt that is inside of you is always going to be there. You can’t run from it forever, so maybe it’s time to stop running now?
This is what I know today, when the numbers came back down it did not change that blinding hate inside me. It did not make it any easier to look at my reflection. It did not stop me from wanting to escape my own skin. The only thing that was any different was the fluids in my body.
Doesn’t it just exhaust you??? And it’s so isolating and time-consuming. I can’t just be in the moment with the people in my life. It’s there…this constant chatter that competes for my attention. It’s like a child constantly on the verge of throwing a temper tantrum.
I’m struggling as I consider how I’m going to get through the next few days. I need to start things moving. Hopefully group tomorrow will help in some way.
I hope your day has been lovely.