I had one of those mornings this morning where I let the scale reduce me. It turned me cold inside seeing that number go up and not being able to figure out why. Instead of taking it though my brain rushed to figure out how I could I make it go back. Logically that is not what I want. Logically I can hazard a guess as to why it has gone up and that has pretty much nothing to do with my intake. I am a woman and my body still seems to think and prepare itself for the onset of a period. It’s frustrating because even though it goes through all the motions of getting ready, they themselves have been absent for a few months. I find myself near tears because I want it back purely to make all of this go away. Also it would be nice to know that my body is functioning the way that it’s supposed to. I’m just finding my body image extremely hard to bear right now. Being in my skin hurts.
So my morning got ruined which turned into whole day feeling of crappiness. It was so hard as well because today it was/is Eid and that means being with my family and celebrating this day. I couldn’t let myself. All day I have felt on the edge of everything that’s been going on and in the end I had to leave. My siblings had just arrived and I managed to get some cuddles with my new niece but I didn’t want to stay for dinner. I didn’t want it to be awkward. I’ll tell myself it was about them…I mean who can have fun during a meal with an Anorexic? But I think the truth of it is is that I didn’t want to be uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be challenged. My day of smiling and pretending that my world was ok was so damn exhausting.
I am struggling.
I hope your day has been kind to you.