I have been thinking a lot about life today, about how strange it can be, how when things end there are things that are still yet to begin. I’ve also been thinking about things that I want that I’ve never let myself really think about before.
Firstly let me start with last night. Clearly I was struggling quite a bit and after writing on here and reading a comment left for me by a fellow blogger I decided that I was going to try to fight against that. So I made a hot drink, put my tablet down and attempted to engage with my family. That in itself was a challenge as practically they hadn’t put out an extra chair and so I was kind of perched on the end of the couch in the other room trying to chip in every now and again. If you met my family you would understand how difficult that scenario is. They are very overpowering people and your voice can get lost even when you’re sitting across from them. I tried. I still felt like an outsider…and then today that feeling just kind of continued. I’m not sure how much of that is me or how much of it is the eating disorder making me feel like I have to cut myself off from having any connection with them.
Anyway, it was always going to be a hard day today that is kind of clouded with sorrow. It’s the anniversary of my Grandads death and I’m trying to figure out where the last 13 years went because it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. My Grandad was an amazing man, he was/is the person who I will always measure any guy by. He knew how to be strong and loving, he knew that making us happy was about silly songs, kindness and drawer at the bottom of the fridge with chocolate in it for after school. I never doubted that he loved me and when he died…It’s hard to explain that grief, how in one moment everything can feel like it no longer makes sense.
I can remember him now and it doesn’t hurt quite so much but the missing him part, that never really goes away.
So I am thinking of old Goodbyes today…and then everything changed again. It was time to embrace new beginnings. My brother had his baby this afternoon. She is a beautiful and healthy little girl. I am absolutely in love with her and whats more there was this type of feud going on between his girlfriend and my family, today it all got swept away. Life’s too short and their differences don’t really matter that much. It’s a fresh start for them all and to not be in the middle of a fight anymore is also something to celebrate.
In the start of this post I said that I’ve been thinking about things that I want and one of those things is to be a Mum. I never thought I did or I would never admit to it. I had my reasons and most of them were fuelled by fear and by this desire to not appear to have wants like everyone else. I have been afraid that if I have a child I will pass on my mental health issues, I have been worried that I would fail them or not protect them properly, that my love would never be enough for what they would deserve. I thought that it was better to not have kids then to run the risk of messing another human being. I’ve been telling myself this for years and I very nearly believed it…but the truth is that I want to have a baby at some point. I am only now beginning to understand that there is more that the eating disorder can still take from me. It can take away that possibility. Even I got my shit together and had the career I’m working for and the stability to raise one…I am doing damage to my body which may take away my fertility. I’ve always known that consequences, I just never thought it mattered that much. It does matter.
So I have come to the decision that if in three weeks – when I get back from my trip away – I am still at this point or worse I will seriously think about giving up my life again in order to go into treatment. In the meantime I have to figure out how to stop any further pain and keep myself stable both mentally and physically.
Therefore I am giving you a pre-warning…things might get difficult but I hope you’ll bear with me.
I hope your day has been good to you.